7ABX20 Fight Club

[Two FBI agents, who look and sound very similar to Mulder and Scully, knock on Betty Templeton's door]

First Agent: Betty Templeton?

Betty Templeton: Yes?

First Agent: We're with the FBI. We'd like to ask about an incident — a possible religious hate crime in your neighbourhood.

Betty Templeton: I just moved in yesterday. I don't know anything about any incident.

Second Agent: Well, we have two young men in the car who say you do know something.

[The two missionaries are sitting in the back seat of the car, their faces are cut and badly bruised and one is in a halo brace]

Betty Templeton: Oh, my God. Those are the boys that were here yesterday. What happened?

First Agent: They were beaten to within an inch of their lives by each other after visiting the home of a woman living a few blocks over.

Betty Templeton: What woman?

Second Agent: A woman who, by both young men's accounts fits your description.

Betty Templeton: She, uh... lives around here?

First Agent: Are you a practitioner of the occult, Miss Templeton? Wicca? Voodoo? Satanism? The black art of bodily bilocation?

Betty Templeton: Me? No. You know what they say — everyone has a twin out there somewhere.

First Agent: No, we don't know what they say.

Betty Templeton: Well, if there's someone who fits my description, why isn't someone talking to her?

Second Agent: We went over to the house, but it's empty. No one lives there.

First Agent: Frankly, we're not even sure she exists.

[LuLu Pfeiffer drives past, followed by a moving truck, she locks hostile gazes with Betty Templeton. The two agents look at each other and start trading blows]

Mulder: This is an FBI fleet sedan from our Kansas City field office, requisitioned by two seasoned agents there, driven into a tree at 43 miles an hour by the female agent in a novel effort to kill her male counterpart. Now, you might think I'm going to suggest psychokinesis — PK — someone or something controlling the agents with remote, mind-bending power.

Scully: But it's not?

Mulder: Both agents sustained critical injuries. Their stories eerily similar... as if, they temporarily lost control of their minds unable to alter their behaviour. You may think that I'm going to say it's past lives unresolved or fate, stalking the agents like an animal...

Scully: ...but you're not.

Mulder: No, the interesting thing about these agents is they had worked together for seven years previously without any incident.

Scully: Seven years?

Mulder: Yeah, but they are not... romantically involved if that's what you're thinking.

Scully: Not even I would be so farfetched.

Mulder: You have any ideas, Scully, any thoughts?

Scully: What I'm thinking, Mulder, is how familiar this seems. Playing Watson to your Sherlock. You dangling clues out in front of me one by one. It's a game, and... and, as usual, you're holding something back from me. You're not telling me something about this case.

Mulder: Hmm...

Scully: Okay, so these agents were investigating something. Something... much like what they themselves were almost killed by. Uh, something they came into contact with. Uh... Third party? Two third parties. Twins? Relatives? A doppelganger? A corporeal likeness that appears unbidden from the spirit world, the sight of which presages one's own death or... a double, conjured into the world by a technique called bilocation... which in psychological terms represents the person's secret desires and impulses, committing acts that the, uh, real person cannot commit himself... or herself? Mulder, the slide, please. [Mulder advances the projector to show a slide of the Kansas driver's license of Betty Templeton] Yes!

Mulder: Don't go thinking I'm going to start doing the autopsies.

[LuLu Pfeiffer is applying for a job at Koko's Printing]

LuLu Pfeiffer: Excuse me. Hi, I applied for the sales job you posted.

Tom: Ah, yeah, I remember. How could I forget?

LuLu Pfeiffer: Excuse me?

Tom: Uh, there's a problem with your application as I recall, Miss...

LuLu Pfeiffer: Pfeiffer. Are you sure?

Tom: LuLu Pfeiffer. Yes, you reside at 15527 Moreton Bay Street?

LuLu Pfeiffer: Not any longer, I've moved.

Tom: You moved?

LuLu Pfeiffer: Yes, and I don't have my new address yet.

Tom: Actually, Miss Pfeiffer, that's what's sending up the red flag. You move a lot and there's also your employment history — seventeen jobs in seventeen states in the past three years? You seem to have as many jobs here as you have addresses.

LuLu Pfeiffer: I had a restless streak.

Tom: Well, the copy business takes a motivated person.

LuLu Pfeiffer: Oh, I'm an extremely versatile employee as you can see by my resume.

Tom: Well, what I can tell is you've left a variety of jobs; Mongolian barbecue chef, high-rise window washer, wild animal trainer, palm reader.

LuLu Pfeiffer: Yes, but I am on a career path now.

Second Customer: Hey, what's going on here? All my copies are black!

Third Customer: My machine's going crazy.

First Customer: Who's running this place?

Tom: I can start you immediately. There's a clean uniform in the employee washroom.

[Betty Templeton is applying for a job at another branch of Koko's Printing]

Tim: That's quite a string of positions you've had, Miss... Templeton. Seventeen jobs in the last three years.

Betty Templeton: I would've listed more but there wasn't any room left on your form.

Tim: Seventeen's plenty, believe me.

Betty Templeton: I think you'll find my former employers will only give the highest personal references.

Tim: It's not your references, it's the jobs themselves. Mongolian barbecue chef, high-rise window washer, wild animal trainer?

Betty Templeton: I'm a highly versatile employee.

Tim: What guarantee do I have that you won't just up and quit tomorrow?

Betty Templeton: You have my personal word on it. I'm here in Kansas City to stay.

Mulder: Bert Zupanic?

Bert Zupanic: Yeah?

Mulder: We're hoping you can help us find the whereabouts of a woman we think you're familiar with, a Betty Templeton.

Bert Zupanic: I don't know no Betty Templeton.

Scully: Maybe you should take another look at that photograph, Mr Zupanic. Five-foot three, red hair. Maybe I can jog your memory. [She holds up a newspaper photo of Bert Zupanic with either LuLu Pfeiffer or Betty Templeton] Are you still pleading ignorance, Mr Zupanic? Is that not you in last year's Fourth of July parade?

Bert Zupanic: Yeah.

Scully: And who's that sitting next to you?

Bert Zupanic: Her?

Scully: Try Betty Templeton. We can't find her, Mr Zupanic. She seems to have left town in a hurry.

Bert Zupanic: She did?

Scully: Mm-hmm.

Bert Zupanic: Didn't she used to live on Moreton Bay in a pink house?

Scully: Alderwood, blue house.

Bert Zupanic: On Alderwood?

Scully: Mr Zupanic, do you have any reason to be lying to us?

Bert Zupanic: No, sir. I mean, ma'am.

Scully: Thank you, Mr Zupanic. I've no doubt we'll be in touch with you. [Bert Zupanic closes the door]

Mulder: You know what I'm thinking?

Scully: That Mr Zupanic not only knows Betty Templeton and where we can find her, but that he is hip to whatever she's into and that I should take a look at that house he mentioned on Moreton Bay Street while you go and find out from Mr Zupanic what it is exactly that he's clearly hiding about Betty Templeton.

Mulder: I'm thinking that Bert Zupanic really truly doesn't know Betty Templeton.

Scully: Well, I guess that's why they put the I in the FBI.

Mulder: Hey, Scully! I want you to meet a buddy of mine. It's Mr Argyle Sapersteen.

Argyle Saperstein: Stein.

Mulder: Saperstein, excuse me.

Argyle Saperstein: Ma'anish ta na? [Hebrew: Yeah, so what else is new?]

Mulder: This is my partner, Dana Scully.

Argyle Saperstein: Pleasure and an honour.

Scully: So I take it from your posture, Mulder, you've solved this case.

Mulder: Not solved it, but I have narrowed down the search for our perpetrator with the kind help of Mr Saperstein here.

Scully: Narrowed it down to where?

Argyle Saperstein: Right down there.

Mulder: Our mystery woman is indeed involved with Mr Bert Zupanic, the man we spoke to at his hotel, who will be fighting here two days hence with the mystery woman almost undoubtedly in attendance.

Argyle Saperstein: If it's the lady I'm thinking, she's not much to look at, but he says she brings him luck.

Scully: Bert Zupanic is a boxer?

Argyle Saperstein: A wrestler — semipro.

Scully: So what? We wait around Kansas City for a couple of days until we can talk with this woman?

Mulder: Well, there's lots to do here, and the barbecue's second to none right, Mr Saperstein? Plus Mr Saperstein's going to show me some in-your-face, smack-down moves so I can quit getting my ass kicked so often, right? Oh, and there's an art exhibit that traces the influence of Soviet art on the American pop culture, right? Unless, of course you've already found Betty Templeton.

Scully: Well, finding Betty Templeton won't solve this case, Mulder. Not unless we find LuLu Pfeiffer.

Mulder: Who's LuLu Pfeiffer?

Scully: Our doppelganger who lived, until yesterday, in a pink house on Moreton Bay Street, but she's not a manifestation, Mulder, she's real and so is the path of destruction that she's left in her wake. Though there seems to be no connection of any kind between these two women, Betty Templeton and LuLu Pfeiffer have travelled city to city across seventeen US States, one alternately trailing the other for the past twelve years and wherever they have been, mayhem has followed.

Argyle Saperstein: Damn.

Scully: It's not just car accidents and fistfights, Mulder. It's house fires and explosions and even riots.

Argyle Saperstein: The lady knows her stuff.

Mulder: Sholom alecheim.

Argyle Saperstein: Yeah. Your mama.

Scully: Mr Zupanic?

Bert Zupanic: Hmm. What, uh... What happened?

Scully: Uh, there was an incident. You were struck by flying glass.

Mulder: Did you lose something?

Bert Zupanic: Yeah. My good luck.

Scully: Would that be Betty or LuLu, Mr Zupanic? 'Cause they're the ones who caused this and they'll do it again if we can't find them. Where are they, Mr Zupanic?

Mulder: Excuse me. FBI.

Tim: Can I help you?

Mulder: Yes, I'm looking for... [He spots Betty Templeton] ...that girl.

Tim: Betty. This man's from the FBI. [He leaves]

Mulder: Betty Templeton?

Betty Templeton: I'm just getting off work. Could we maybe talk some other time?

Mulder: I think we both know why I'm here.

Betty Templeton: It's her fault!

Mulder: LuLu Pfeiffer.

Betty Templeton: She follows me around trying to ruin my life. I'm not going to let her ruin it this time. It's either me or her. I don't want to leave Kansas.

Scully: [answering mobile] Scully.

Mulder: Hey, Scully. I found her at Koko's Copy Center.

Scully: Betty Templeton?

Mulder: Yeah. She says that LuLu Pfeiffer's trying to ruin her life. She follows her wherever she goes.

Scully: Well, LuLu Pfeiffer works at Koko's, too. And that's exactly what LuLu says about Betty, Mulder. Except she says that this is the end of the line, that she's not leaving Kansas.

Mulder: That's exactly what Betty said.

Scully: What's going on here?

Mulder: I don't know, Scully. You're running this show. Why don't you tell me?

Scully: Well, I think that this is more than just physical proximity, Mulder. I think that these women have some kind of a psychic connection.

Mulder: No shit, Sherlock. Hey, Scully, uh... where's LuLu?

Scully: She just took off, Mulder. She left work and she drove away.

Mulder: She wouldn't be driving a little blue convertible, would she?

Scully: That's exactly what she's driving.

Mulder: Oh, crap.

Tim: Can I help you?

Scully: Uh, yes. I'm looking for someone. He was here speaking to an employee and, uh, I can't seem to reach him.

Tim: Tall guy, dark hair?

Scully: Yeah.

Tim: He left.

Scully: And you don't know where he went?

Tim: Couldn't say. However... I can tell you we have a two-for-one copy discount in effect.

Scully: How about Internet access?

Tim: Right this way.

Scully: Is he in there?

Prison Guard: Yeah. Sleeping.

Scully: Can you wake him up for me?

Prison Guard: Sure you want to do that?

Scully: It's important.

Bob Danfous: [yelling off-screen] Will you two shut up or go away!

[Scully approaches Bob Danfous' cell, the prison guard leaves]

Scully: Mr Danfous?

Bob Danfous: The sound of your voice is like a jackhammer on my eardrums!

Scully: Mr Danfous, I'm Special Agent Dana Scully with the FBI.

Bob Danfous: What's so special about you?!

Scully: It's an FBI title, sir.

Bob Danfous: I know it is. I'm not stupid!

Scully: Mr Danfous, if you'll let me explain why I'm here we might be able to get you to bed a little bit sooner.

Bob Danfous: Ah, what a relief!

Scully: Mr Danfous, through a lot of matching-up of documents that I have been able to compile on the Internet, and by comparing time and space and circumstance, and by liberally applying the law of averages...

Bob Danfous: They could electrocute me quicker!

Scully: I believe that you may be the father of two daughters.

Bob Danfous: I'm no father!

Scully: Using documents filed by a sperm bank in Sparta, Illinois and by the mothers who may have been impregnated by your donation...

Bob Danfous: I yankee doodled into a plastic cup!

Scully: Well, be that as it may, sir, it is very likely that you are the biological father. And it is very important for their safety and for the safety of others, that we get as much information as possible about your mother and your father, and anything about your family tree that may be able to explain the reactions that are being caused by these two girls.

Bob Danfous: A big, ugly dog lifted its leg on my family tree.

Scully: [answering mobile] Mulder?

Mulder: Yeah.

Scully: Where have you been?

Mulder: Seeing a side of Kansas City few men have the privilege to see.

Scully: What happened to you?

Mulder: I got sucked into a storm drain. The more pressing question is what the hell happened to Betty Templeton and LuLu Pfeiffer?

Scully: I don't know, but I have been able to locate the nature of their connection. Both women are non-fraternal siblings from the same father.

Mulder: You've located him?

Scully: Yeah. He's here in the state pen.

Bob Danfous: [yelling off-screen] When is all this yammering going to stop?

Mulder: And he's given you insight?

Scully: Well, the biggest thing that I can figure out right now is he's probably the angriest man in the world, Mulder.

Mulder: Not as angry as those two women are going to be when they both realise they're in love with the one and only Bert Zupanic.

Scully: They're both after him?

Mulder: Yeah, they're both in love with him. That's why they're both staying in Kansas City and they won't leave.

Scully: Well, if they're the reason it doesn't explain what's happening, what's causing this phenomenon or how we're going to make it stop.

Mulder: Look, Scully, I don't know. You're the one who's supposed to have all the answers. Somebody's got to get to that fight and keep those two women apart or else this time the shit is going to hit the fans.

Mulder: Betty Templeton. My name is Fox Mulder. I'm with the FBI. Can you come with me?

Betty Templeton: I'm watching the fight.

Mulder: Don't make me have to remove you, ma'am.

[LuLu Pfeiffer enters the arena]

LuLu Pfeiffer: I can't believe this. What are you doing here?

Betty Templeton: What are you doing here? I'm Bert's good luck.

LuLu Pfeiffer: He's mine.

Betty Templeton: Over my dead body. [Mulder watches as they advance on each other, then throws Betty Templeton over his shoulder and starts out of the arena] Stop it! Stop it! You're going down, lady! I'm going to kick your butt from here to Tuesday! Stick a fork in you, you're done! [to Bert Zupanic] Hi, baby.

Bert Zupanic: Betty.

Betty Templeton: Bert, keep it up! I love you, baby!

Scully: 50 million anonymous donations have been made to sperm banks across the US. Most have produced healthy offspring for single mothers or fertility-challenged couples while some of them have not. Bert Zupanic and his non-fraternal biological sibling both small-time bank robbers, part-time pro wrestlers, both with too many idiosyncratic behaviourism to list, stood a 27-million-to-one chance of ever meeting, but they did.

Argyle Saperstein: Damn, those are some odds.

Scully: Betty Templeton and LuLu Pfeiffer products of different mothers but the same father... an angry drifter now doing time for counterfeiting — chanced to meet 12 years ago, but couldn't seem to avoid each other's compulsively identical mannerisms, mannerisms attributable to their perpetually angry father.

Argyle Saperstein: Mm. What does it all mean?

Scully: I've been thinking hard about that, Mr Saperstein. I would like to say it has something to do with balance in the universe, the attraction of opposites and the repulsion of equivalents, or that over time, nature produces only so many originals, that when two original copies meet that the result is often unpredictable. If four should meet, the result is... well, suffice to say it's better just to avoid these encounters altogether and at all costs. I think Agent Mulder would agree with me.

Mulder: [through a wired jaw] Mm-hmm. Mmmm.