5X12 Bad Blood

[Scully catches up to Mulder to find that he has driven a stake through Ronnie Strickland's heart. She looks at him in shock and Mulder points out Ronnie Strickland's fangs]

Mulder: Look at that! Huh? [Scully examines the teeth and discovers that they're fake] Oh, sh...

---

Scully: First of all, if the family of Ronnie Strickland does indeed decide to sue the FBI for, I think the figure is $446 million, then you and I both will most certainly be co-defendants. And second of all... I don't even have a second of all, Mulder! $446 million! I'm in this as deep as you are, and I'm not even the one that overreacted! I didn't do the [stabbing motion] with the thing!

Mulder: I did not overreact, Ronnie Strickland was a vampire!

Scully: Where's your proof?

Mulder: You're my proof! You were there! [Scully sighs] Okay, now you're scaring me. I want to hear exactly what you're going to tell Skinner.

Scully: Oh, you want our stories straight.

Mulder: No, no, I didn't say that! I just want to hear it the way you saw it.

Scully: I don't feel comfortable with that...

Mulder: Prison, Scully! Your cell mate's nickname is going to be Large Marge. She going to read a lot of Gertrude Stein.

---

Scully: Yesterday morning when I arrived at work you were, uh... characteristically exuberant.

---

[Flashback]

Mulder: Hope you brought your cowboy boots! [Slapping plane tickets on the desk]

Scully: You want us to go to Dallas?

Mulder: Yee hah! Actually a town called Chaney about 50 miles south of there, population 361, by all accounts very rustic and charming. But as of late, ground zero of the locus for a series of mysterious nocturnal exsanguinations.

Scully: Exsanguinations? Of whom?

Mulder: How does that grab you? [Showing Scully a slide of a cow]

Scully: It's a —

Mulder: — Dead cow. Exactly. Or more specifically, a dead 900 pound Holstein, its body completely drained of blood, as was this one [another slide] this one [another slide] this one [another slide] this one [another slide] and so on. Six, all in all, approximately one a week over the past six weeks.

Scully: Is there any sign...

Mulder: Two small puncture wounds on the neck?

Scully: That's not what I was going to ask...

Mulder: Too bad! We got them! Check it out! [Slide of two puncture wounds]

Scully: Well, those may be syringe marks, or placement meant to emulate fangs. Such ritualistic bloodletting points toward cultists of some sort in which case... [Mulder looks at her strangely] What?

Mulder: Yeah. That's probably it. Satanic cultists. Come on, Scully!

Scully: You're not going to tell me you think this is that Mexican goat sucker, are you?

Mulder: El Chupacabra? No, they got four fangs not two, and they suck goats, hence the name.

Scully: So instead, this would be...

Mulder: Classic Vampirism.

Scully: Of a bunch of cows?

Mulder: And one dead human. Last night. A vacationer from New Jersey. Come on, we got to go.

Scully: Why the hell didn't you tell me that from the beginning?

---

Scully: [voiceover] It was there that we were met by a representative of local law enforcement... Sheriff...

---

[Flashback]

Sheriff Hartwell: Lucius Hartwell. You the FBI agents?

Scully: Yes... I'm —

Mulder: Agents Mulder and, uh... [snaps fingers three times] ...Scully. What do you say we go take a look at your victim. [Mulder heads out the door]

Sheriff Hartwell: Yeah. By all means. After you.

Mulder: Come on, Scully, get those little legs moving! Come on.

---

[Flashback]

Mulder: Nice threads. [The dead tourist is wearing an atrocious Hawaiian shirt]

---

[Flashback]

Mulder: Your satanic cultists have some sharp little teeth!

Sheriff Hartwell: What satanic cultists?

Mulder: Go ahead, tell him your [finger quotes] theory.

Scully: Well my theory has evolved. Basically I think we're looking for someone who's seen one too many Bela Lugosi movies. He believes he is a vampire therefore...

Sheriff Hartwell: They act like one. Yeah... yeah... That makes a whole lot of sense. I think she's right.

Mulder: What about the fang marks?

Scully: Well, someone so obsessed might well file down their incisors. I think that a melage casting should help us make an identification.

Sheriff Hartwell: Melage casting. That's a good idea. Now, isn't there some kind of disease that makes a person think that they're a vampire?

Scully: Well, there is a psychological fixation called Haematodypsia which causes the sufferer to gain erotic satisfaction from consuming human blood.

Sheriff Hartwell: Erotic... Yeah...

Scully: There are also genetic afflictions which cause a heightened sensitivity to light, to garlic. Porphyria. Xeroderma Pigmentosum.

Sheriff Hartwell: You really know your stuff, Dana.

---

Mulder: [voiceover] Dana?! He never even knew your first name.

Scully: You going to interrupt me or what?

Mulder: No. You go ahead... Dana...

---

[Flashback]

Sheriff Hartwell: [replay] Agent Scully, you really know your stuff.

---

[Flashback]

Mulder: Sheriff, you say this man is exactly as you found him?

Sheriff Hartwell: Yes sir. To the letter.

Mulder: Have you noticed that this man's shoes are untied?

Sheriff Hartwell: Yeah, they sure are.

Scully: Mulder, what's your point?

Mulder: This means something. Sheriff, do you have an old cemetery in town, off the beaten path, the creepier the better?

Sheriff Hartwell: Uh, yeah.

Mulder: [snaps fingers] Take me there. Now!

Scully: Mulder?

Mulder: Scully, we're going to need a complete autopsy on this man. The sooner the better

Scully: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What am I even looking for?

[Mulder holds Scully's shoulders and looks seriously into her face]

Mulder: I... don't.. know... [He heads out the door]

Scully: He does that.

Mulder: [from outside] Come on, Sheriff Hartwell.

Sheriff Hartwell: Ma'am... [Tipping his hat to Scully before leaving]

---

Scully: 4:54 pm. Begin autopsy on white male, age 60. Who is arguably having a worse time in Texas than I am... Although not by much. I'll begin with the Y incision. [Blade falls off scalpel] Yee hah.

---

[Flashback]

Scully: Heart weighs 370 grams. Tissue appears healthy. [Cut to another organ on the scales] Left lung weighs 345 grams. Tissue appears healthy. [Cut to another organ on the scales] Large intestine weighs 890 grams. Yadda yadda yadda.

---

[Flashback]

Scully: Stomach contents show last meal close to the time of death. Consisting of... pizza. Topped with... pepperoni... green peppers... mushrooms... mushrooms... That sounds really good. [She cracks her neck]

---

Scully: [voiceover] Having completed the autopsy, I checked into the Davey Crockett Motor Court. [Name appears at bottom of screen]

Mulder: It was actually the Sam Houston Motor Lodge. [Type corrects itself]

---

[Flashback]

[Scully starts the Magic Fingers and relaxes on the bed when Mulder appears at the door]

Scully: Chloral Hydrate.

Mulder: What? [Scully looks up to see her partner dishevelled and muddy]

Scully: What the hell happened to you?

Mulder: Nothing. Chloral Hydrate?

Scully: Yeah, that thing that you didn't know what you were looking for — chloral Hydrate. More colourfully known as knockout drops. I found it in abundance when I sent the tox screens in on our murder victim. No, seriously Mulder, what happened to you?

Mulder: Nothing. Who slipped him the Mickey?

Scully: My [finger quotes] theory? Your vampire... he found it necessary to dope poor Mr Funt to the gills before he was able to extract his blood. Probably did it to the cows, too.

Mulder: What kind of vampire would do that?

Scully: Exactly.

Mulder: We got another dead tourist. You got to do another autopsy.

Scully: Tonight? I just put money in the Magic Fingers!

Mulder: I won't let it go to waste. [Mulder hops onto the bed still wearing his muddy trenchcoat. Scully gets up and Mulder starts giggling at the Magic Fingers]

---

[Flashback]

Scully: Heart. [Cut to another organ on the scales] Lung. [Cut to another organ on the scales] Large intestine. [The intestine steadily uncoils itself from the scales as it drops to the ground]

---

[Flashback]

[A drugged Mulder is lying on the ground, quite delerious]

Scully: Mulder. Are you okay?

Mulder: [delirious] Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks? Shaft! Can you dig it? They say this cat Shaft is a bad mother-shut your mouth! I'm talkin' bout Shaft!

---

Mulder: [voiceover] I did not!

---

Scully: Mulder, why don't you tell me the way you think it happened. Starting at the beginning.

Mulder: You're damn right. Yesterday morning began like any other morning. You arrived at the office characteristically less than exuberant.

---

[Flashback]

Scully: Well, it's obviously not a vampire.

Mulder: Why not?

Scully: Because they don't exist.

---

[Flashback]

Mulder: Why would a town with a population of only 361 need that? [So many coffins]

Funeral Director: Repeat business. [Mulder looks at him strangely] Mortician humour... Excuse me. [Funeral Director leaves]

---

Mulder: [voiceover] Apparently, your mind was somewhere else...

---

[Flashback]

[Sheriff Hartwell enters]

Scully: Hoo-boy!

---

Scully: He had big buck teeth?

Mulder: He had a... slight overbite.

Scully: No he didn't... and that's significant...? How?

Mulder: I'm just trying to be thorough.

---

[Flashback]

Mulder: Well, historically cemeteries are thought to be a haven for vampires. As are castles, catacombs and swamps but unfortunately you don't have any of those.

Sheriff Hartwell: We used to have swamps, only the EPA made us take to calling them wetlands...

Mulder: Yeah. So we're out here looking for any signs of vampiric activity.

Sheriff Hartwell: Which would be like, uh...

Mulder: Broken or shifted tombstones, the absence of birds singing.

Sheriff Hartwell: There you go. Course I... I ain't hearing any birds singing, right? Course, it's winter and we ain't got no birds, but is.. is there anything else?

---

[Flashback]

[An RV is stuck in reverse circling in the parking lot]

Ronnie Strickland: I guess you got yourself a runaway, huh?

Sheriff Hartwell: Yeah Ronnie. I guess we do.

---

Mulder: [voiceover] Okay. Here's something you may not know... shooting out the tyres of a runaway RV is a lot harder than it looks... [Both Mulder and Sheriff Hartwell empty their guns but the RV still circles] I then tried a different approach...

---

[Flashback]

[Mulder is hanging onto the front bumper, being dragged around in circles]

Mulder: Whoa!

Sheriff Hartwell: Come on! Bird dog it! That a boy! [Mulder gets flung off and rolls across the wet, muddy ground]

---

Mulder: [voiceover] Finally, we prevailed... [The RV ran out of gas]

---

[Flashback]

Scully: What do you mean you want me to do another autopsy? And why do we have to do it right now? I've just spent hours on my feet doing an autopsy, all for you. I do it all for you, Mulder. You know I haven't eaten since six o'clock this morning and all that was was half of a cream cheese bagel. And it wasn't even real cream cheese it was light cream cheese. And now you want me to run off and do another autopsy...? [Scully finally notices that Mulder is covered in mud] What the hell happened to you?

---

Mulder: [voiceover] Finally you left.

---

[Flashback]

Scully: Don't you touch that bed! [Scully slams the door and the force knocks a picture out of alignment]

---

[Flashback]

[Mulder calls Scully but the combination of the Chloral Hydrate in the pizza and the vibrating bed make him sound like an obscene phone caller]

Scully: Scully? Hello? Hello? Creep... [Scully hangs up]

---

[Flashback]

[Mulder throws sunflower seeds to distract Ronnie Strickland]

Ronnie Strickland: Oh, man! What you have to go and do that for? [His obsessive compulsive nature forces him to pick them up. He looks up and points at Mulder] You are in big trouble!

---

Scully: [voiceover] You're saying that I actually hit him... two times?

Mulder: Square in the chest. No effect.

Scully: And then he sort of flew at me like a flying squirrel?

Mulder: Well, I don't think I'll use the phrase flying squirrel when I talk to Skinner, but yeah, that's what happened.

---

Coroner: Probable cause of death... That's a tough one... [Looking at the stake through the heart]

---

[Mulder and Scully are fidgeting in Skinner's waiting room, she fixes his tie and he slaps her hand away]

Scully: Mulder, please just keep reminding him you were drugged.

Mulder: Will you stop that!

Scully: Couldn't hurt.

Mulder: Just stop it!

Skinner: Scully? Mulder? [Both agents jump to their feet]

Mulder: I was drugged. [Skinner gives them a strange look]

Skinner: I want you back in Texas. Ronnie Strickland's body's disappeared from the morgue. Apparently in conjunction with this, a coroner's been attacked. His throat was... bitten.

Mulder: The coroner's dead?

Skinner: No, his... throat was bitten... it was sort of... gnawed... on. [Mulder and Scully look at each other and then back at Skinner] Daylight's burning, Agents! [Skinner closes his door]

Scully: What? He was dead!

Mulder: I noticed that.

Scully: With a stake through his heart!

Mulder: I noticed that too.

---

[Sheriff Hartwell pulls up outside the cemetery]

Scully: Sheriff Hartwell.

Sheriff Hartwell: Evening, Agents. I heard you all were back in town. [Mulder and Scully make faces at each other, equally convinced about their correct determination of Sheriff Hartwell's dental condition] Thought I might be of assistance.

Mulder: Yeah... actually you can. You can stay behind here with Agent Scully and keep an eye on things while I check something out. [to Scully] Don't say I never did nothing for ya.

Scully: Where are you going?

Mulder: Where might you be living if your mail came general delivery around here?

Sheriff Hartwell: The RV park.

Mulder: You're good.

---

Scully: As Mulder says, there are many kinds of vampires.

Sheriff Hartwell: Yeah. There sure are. I really need to apologise to you about Ronnie. He makes us all look bad. He's just not who we are any more. I mean, we pay taxes, we're good neighbours. Old Ronnie, he just... he can't seem to grasp the concept of... low profile. [Scully realises the coffee's drugged and she's losing it] But though he may be a moron, he's... one of our own. [He turns to Scully, eyes aglow]

---

[Mulder finds Ronnie Strickland alive and well in his coffin inside his RV, he slams the lid shut as the vampire attacks him and finds himself atop a bucking coffin]

Mulder: Ronnie Strickland. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Come on, cut it out Ronnie. [Mulder looks out the window to see the RV is being surrounded by vampires] Oh... damn.

---

Mulder: They pulled up stakes... [Scully motions to his feet, he notices and ties his loose shoelaces]

---

Skinner: So that's it. They simply disappeared without a trace. [Mulder nods] And that's exactly the way it happened from start to finish? [Mulder nods again]

Scully: Well I can neither confirm or deny Agent Mulder's version of events which occurred outside my presence.

Mulder: And I can neither confirm or deny Agent Scully's version of events, but um...

Scully: Anyway... I was drugged.

Mulder: That is... essentially... exactly the way it happened.

Scully: Essentially... [Fade to black]

Mulder: [voiceover] Except for the part about the buck teeth.