5X04 Detour

Marty Fox: It's not a swamp. You're standing in a forest with indigenous plant and animal species you're obviously too ignorant to appreciate. Mark it, give me another position.

Michael Sloan: All right, lets shoot this next one real carefully Marty, because it's where they're going to put the Blockbuster.

Marty Fox: You're a moron, Sloan. You know that?

Michael Sloan: [muttering] Tree-hugger...

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Agent Kinsley: Last year was something of a personal revelation. We were doing an exercise called team builders, where we were given two minutes to build a tower out of ordinary office furniture.

Agent Stonecypher: When I stood on Mike's shoulders and put I that electric pencil sharpener on top of the pile, we both knew... we could never have done it alone.

Mulder: [to Scully] Kill me now.

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Agent Kinsley: I couldn't believe how hard it was not to use the word but.

Mulder: I'm having that same problem right now...

Agent Stonecypher: Have you ever been to a team seminar, Agent Mulder?

Mulder: No. You know, unfortunately around this time of year I always develop a severe haemorrhoidal condition.

Agent Kinsley: Well, it builds muscles you didn't even know you had! [Mulder laughs at him silently]

Agent Stonecypher: Communication, that's the key.

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Mulder: Thank you, Jesus! [Mulder successfully escapes the clutches of the perky agents from hell, while Scully looks longingly on from her seat in the vehicle]

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Scully: Mulder. We've got this conference, they're waiting.

Mulder: Yeah. How do I say this without using any negative words, Scully.

Scully: You want me to tell them that you're not going to make it to this year's teamwork seminar.

Mulder: Yes. You see that? We don't need that conference. We have communication like that — unspoken. You know what I'm thinking.

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[Scully enters Mulder's room with a tray of cheese and wine]

Mulder: Who cut the cheese?

Scully: Since we won't be making it to the conference.

Mulder: Par-tay!

Scully: However, I must remind you this goes against the Bureau's policy of male and female agents consorting in the same motel room while on assignment.

Mulder: Try any of that Tailhook crap on me, Scully, I'll kick your ass.

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Scully: Mulder, we're in Western Florida. The closest thing to primitive down here is living in a beach-front retirement condo.

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Scully: You know, Mulder, sometimes I think some work on your communication skills wouldn't be such a bad idea.

Mulder: I'll be back soon and we can build a tower of furniture. Okay?

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[Mulder gives Scully a detailed description of the tracks he's found and why they are unusual]

Scully: You're putting me on...

Mulder: No, my dad and I were Indian Guides. I know these things.

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Jeff Glaser: It's called a FLIR. For forward looking infra-red. It was developed for chopper pilots in Vietnam. Detects body heat at 300 yards.

Mulder: That's pretty sophisticated for government issue.

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Scully: It sure is beautiful, though.

Jeff Glaser: That's what happens. People get to looking around. Next thing they know, something eats them.

Scully: What do you think killed those men?

Jeff Glaser: Nature is populated with creatures either trying to kill something they need to survive or trying to avoid being killed by something that needs they to survive. If we become blinded by the beauty of nature we may fail to see its cruelty and violence.

Scully: Walt Whitman?

Jeff Glaser: No, When Animals Attack on the Fox Network.

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Mulder: Thirty years ago the town of Point Pleasant, West Virginia was terrorised for over a year by something. Killing livestock, terrorising the people. Witnesses described them as primitive looking men with piercing red eyes. Became known as the Moth Men. I got an X-File dated back to 1952 on it.

Scully: What would that be filed next to? The Cockroach that ate Cincinnatti?

Mulder: No, the Cockroach that ate Cincinnatti is in the Cs. Moth Men is over in the Ms.

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Scully: You were an Indian guide, help me out here. [Frustrated trying to light the fire]

Mulder: Indian guide says maybe you should run to the store and get some matches.

Scully: I would but I left my wallet in the car.

Mulder: What are you doing?

Scully: Trying to open my gun... if I can separate the shell from the casing, maybe I can get the powder to ignite.

Mulder: And maybe it'll start raining weenies and marshmallows.

Scully: Do I detect a hint of negativity?

Mulder: No! Yes, actually... yeah.

Scully: Mulder you need to keep warm. Your body's still in shock.

Mulder: I was told once that the best way to regenerate body heat was to crawl naked into a sleeping bag with somebody else who's already naked.

Scully: Maybe if it rains sleeping bags you'll get lucky. You ever thought seriously about dying?

Mulder: Yeah, once. When I was at the Ice Capades.

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Mulder: I think nature is supremely indifferent to whether we live or die. I mean if you're lucky you get 75 years. If you're really lucky you get 80 years. And if you're extraordinarily lucky you get to have 50 of those years with a decent head of hair.

Scully: I guess it's like Las Vegas — the house always wins. Oh! [Finally separating the shell from the casing] Taa-daa!

Mulder: Go girl! Hey, who did you identify with when you were a kid, Wilma or Betty?

Scully: I identified with Betty's bustline.

Mulder: Yes! I did, too.

Scully: Could never have married Barney though. Their kids were cute.

Mulder: But where are they today? [The powder ignites with a flash but doesn't result in a flame, Scully looks back at Mulder]

Scully: Moth Men. Really?

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[Scully tries to manoeuvre Mulder into her lap to keep him warm]

Mulder: I don't want to wrestle.

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Scully: Mulder, you don't want me to sing. I can't carry a tune.

Mulder: Doesn't matter, just sing anything.

Scully: [pauses] Jeremiah was a bullfrog... Was a good friend of mine... Never understood a single word he said... But I helped him drink his wine...

Mulder: Chorus...

Scully: Joy to the world... All the boys and girls.... Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea... Joy to you and me...

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[Scully drops from sight down a hole in the forest floor]

Mulder: You all right?

Scully: Yeah. I landed on soft dirt... kind of.

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Mulder: Too bad we don't have any office furniture. [Piling bodies to gain enough height to reach the hole]

Scully: I can see us now.

Mulder: Go team! There's plenty more bodies we may have won the honey-baked ham.

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Mulder: Ponce de Leon came here 450 years ago looking for the Fountain of Youth.

Agent Kinsley: You mean that you think these... that... that that body... The one Agent Scully shot. No!

Mulder: After 400 years in the woods, don't you think they would have adapted perfectly to their environment?

Agent Kinsley: You're just making this up!

Mulder: Why do you say that?

Agent Kinsley: Cause you work on the X-Files and... you just want to write off your motel!