5X01 Unusual Suspects

[Baltimore Police find Mulder in a box, naked and hallucinating]

Mulder: [moaning] They're here! They're here!

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Langly: We're screwed. Thank you so much for getting me involved in this, doo-hickey.

Frohike: It's Frohike, you hippie jerk.

Langly: Doo-hickey!

Frohike: You know, with that long blond hair, you'll be the first one in here that gets traded for cigarettes; I'm going to be laughing my ass off.

Langly: Oh yeah, you want to Cha-Cha? [Starts pulling his jacket off]

Frohike: Any time, any place. [Starts removing his jacket]

Byers: Both of you relax!

Langly: Shut up, you Nark!

Frohike: It's your fault we're here!

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Lieutenant Munch: Yeah, well, Special Agent... Mulder? Is currently being held in five point restraint jabbering like a monkey. And the FBI is not talking either. So what I'm looking at here is a warehouse break-in but nothing's stolen, a shootout but no guns, lots of blood but no bodies and an FBI agent who likes to take off all his clothes and talk about space aliens. Fill me in, from the top. Start with your name and birthdate.

Byers: John Fitzgerald Byers. 11-22-63.

Lieutenant Munch: Seriously?

Byers: I was named after JFK. Before the assassination my parents were going to name me Bertram.

Lieutenant Munch: Lucky you.

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Byers: Hey guys! Like a button?

Convention Customer: Up yours, Nark!

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Frohike: Hello, pretty lady! [Frohike starts his cable spiel on Susanne Modeski]

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Langly: There's a name that inspires consumer confidence. [Referring to Frohike Electrical Corporation]

Frohike: Shut up, punk. Where were we?

Langly: Hey lady, if you want to watch Matlock with Andy Griffith all blue and squiggly go right ahead and buy it from this guy. You want quality bootleg cable, you talk to me. [Langly Vision]

Frohike: You want a converter that will short out and burn your house down, definitely talk to this guy. [Susanne Modeski turns away]

Langly: That was a one time fluke! I heat sink every breadboard.

Frohike: Ah, what about coax loss? Do you use the RG-6U or the 52 ohm RG-8?

Langly: Trick question! It's the 99-13!

Frohike: Big man...

Langly: [seeing Byers walk by, coughs] NARK!

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Byers: Somehow this kicked us into the Defence Data Network. I'm sorry, I think this is the end of the line.

Susanne Modeski: Isn't there something you could — how do you say it? — hack into?

Byers: Hack into? No! I mean technically yes, I probably could, but this belongs to the Department of Defence. This is a secured site. I mean I work for the FCC. This is the kind of thing we're trying to stop.

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Frohike: You look like a gentleman who'll appreciate 33 channels of crystal clear television.

Mulder: No thanks, Handsome.

Frohike: Ah, a man of distinction... [Mulder walks away] Punk ass.

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[Flashback]

Byers: It was at this point we enlisted the help of one... Melvin Frohike. Computer hacker.

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[Flashback]

[Susanne Modeski appears at Frohike's shoulder]

Frohike: Well, hello pretty lady! [She pulls the booth curtains closed] Oh... yeah! [Byers follows her] What's with the Nark?

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[Flashback]

Byers: It was at this point, however, that Mr Frohike raised... an interesting question.

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[Flashback]

Frohike: I don't understand. Why don't you just kick this guy's ass?

Byers: What?

Susanne Modeski: No. I just want these pages decoded. Can you do that?

Frohike: Sure, baby. My Kung Fu is the best, but it could take hours. I say cut to the chase. If pretty boy out there could tell us where your daughter is, we just need to go beat it out of him.

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Frohike: This dude doesn't look so tough! [Mulder looks in Frohike and Byers direction] Act casual. [Frohike is wearing a VR helmet]

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Display Recording: They're here! Alien invaders are among us. Detect their presence with high-tech mind electronics. Detect them, before they detect you! [Mulder picks up the gizmo and an alarm sounds]

Mulder: Sorry!

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Mulder: Hey, you with the FCC? [Seeing Byers' FCC button]

Frohike: What's it to you?

Mulder: I think we share the same credit union... Special Agent Fox Mulder. I'm with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. I was hoping maybe you could help me. I'm looking for a girl and I was wondering if you'd seen her. This is her. [He shows them Susanne Modeski's picture] You seen her?

Frohike: Sorry.

Byers: What did she do?

Mulder: What's it to you? Thanks guys, alright. [Mulder answers his huge mobile phone] Yeah, Mulder... Oh hey Reggie, what's up?

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[Byers fellow FCC booth representative is being dragged away by the Military Police]

Ken Hawryliw: You don't understand... All I did was play Dig Dug! I didn't hack into anybody's computer. Seriously guys, I've got like a circulatory problem... I have a tendency to fall down a lot.

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Byers: You're talking about a premeditated crime against the United States government!

Frohike: Hey... your second today. [Removing Byers' FCC badge] Welcome to the Dark Side.

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Langly: Elron the Druid bets 50! Cash only, Elron... no cheques for the bank of Middle Earth! Come on Natural 20. Daddy needs a new Sword of Wounding. [Byers and Frohike enter] What's the big idea of bringing the Nark in here?

Frohike: Me and the Nark have a proposition for you.

Langly: What proposition?

Frohike: The coolest hack in the world.

Elron the Druid: Lord Manhammer?!

Langly: Say it. Say it!

Frohike: [reluctantly] Your Kung-Fu is the best...

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Byers: What does this do?

Frohike: Besides overheat and burn the hotel down?

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Langly: Government hack is a snap. Last week I got into the Maryland DMV. Changed my endorsement so I could handicap park. [He gets a look from Byers] I got tinnitus.

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Frohike: There is nothing in here about him being a psycho or having a daughter. [Mulder's FBI file]

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Frohike: Now I'm sorry. You're telling me that the US government, the same government that gave us Amtrak...

Langly: Not to mention the Susan B Anthony dollar...

Frohike: Is behind some of the darkest, most far-reaching conspiracies on the planet? That's just crazy!

Langly: I mean, like this guy [Byers] works for the government!

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[Mulder, under the effect of the E-H drug, sees the government clean-up crew as aliens]

Mulder: They're here!

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Man in Black: Bag him? [Man in Black has just zipped a surviving gunman into a body bag]

Mr X: No one touches this man. [Mulder]

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[Mr X has the Lone Gunmen kneel on the ground and puts Susanne Modeski's gun to Byers head. He pulls the trigger on an empty chamber]

Mr X: Behave yourselves.

Byers: That's it? You're trying to intimidate us. To scare us. So we'll keep quiet.

Frohike: Byers, I swear to god I'll shoot you myself.

Byers: It's all true what Susanne said about you people, isn't it? About John F Kennedy, Dallas?

Mr X: I heard it was a lone gunman.

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Lieutenant Munch: Do I look like Geraldo to you? Don't lie to me like Geraldo, I'm not Geraldo!

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Langly: Your molar-pulling girlfriend roped us in and left us swinging in the breeze!

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Lieutenant Munch: Here's a tip: aluminium foil makes a lovely hat and blocks out the government's mind control rays. Keep you guys out of trouble.

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Byers: You want the truth?

Mulder: Yeah. I want the truth.

Byers: You might want to sit down, this is going to take a while. The truth is... none of us is safe. Secret elements within the US government seek to surveil us and control our lives.

Mulder: What?

Frohike: Tell him about the hotel bibles...

Byers: Yeah. I'm coming to that. It all started with Susanne Modeski...