4X07 Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man

For nothing can seem foul to those that win.
— Henry IV, Part 1 Act 5 Scene 1

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[The Smoking Man is listening to a bugged conversation in The Lone Gunmen's office]

Scully: Everything is a labyrinth of dark conspiracy. Look at you, you're shaking.

Mulder: One at a time, boys. Now what's going on.

Byers: Frohike's close.

Frohike: Don't use my name! What the hell's wrong with you? Now I'll have to kill you. He's everywhere! Everywhere. He'll kill me.

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Mulder: I've been here twenty minutes and I still don't know what the hell is wrong. No one would kill you, Frohike. You're just a little puppy-dog.

Frohike: I don't utter another syllable until the CSM-25 counter measures filter is activated.

[The signal goes fuzzy, the Smoking Man switches on the counter measures counter measure and the signal clears]

Byers: No electronic surveillance known can cut through the CSM-25.

Scully: Okay. Okay. Now tell us what you're so close to.

Frohike: Not a what. A who. If you find the right starting point and follow it, not even the secrets of the darkest of men are safe.

Mulder: Cancerman? What did you find?

Frohike: Possibly everything. Maybe his background, who he is and who he wants to be.

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[The Smoking Man is reading The Manchurian Candidate]

William Mulder: Why don't you just go and see the movie?

Smoking Man: I'd rather read the worst novel ever written than sit through the best movie ever made.

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William Mulder: My one year old just said his first word.

Smoking Man: What was the word?

William Mulder: JFK.

Smoking Man: Catch you later, Mulder.

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General Francis: Cigarette?

Smoking Man: No thank you sir, I never touch them.

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First Man In Black: You must understand, Captain, everything I'm about to say is classified, compartmentalised. So intensely, that if you accept this assignment and successfully execute it, you will no longer be an officer in the United States Army, not will any recond exist of your service. The assignment is the assassination of an American civilian, aged 46. Former naval PT boat commander. Married, father of two.

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Smoking Man: Is there a cover story?

Second Man In Black: Tell them it was done by men from outer space.

First Man In Black: We've found and are setting up a patsy.

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Smoking Man: Shouldn't smoke those, Lee. I'm reading studies that say they can kill you.

Lee: Well, Mr Hunt, sir, I've heard about those reports. And they are no doubt correct. [Throws down butt]

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[The Smoking Man is asking J Edgar Hoover about his lack of foresight concerning Martin Luther King]

Smoking Man: Why didn't you know this was coming, Edgar?

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Smoking Man: Sit down. You have enough plausible deniability to last the rest of your nine lives.

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Smoking Man: What I don't want to see is the Bills winning the Super Bowl. As long as I'm alive that doesn't happen.

Third Man In Black: Could be tough, sir. Buffalo wants it bad.

Smoking Man: So did the Soviets in 80.

Third Man In Black: What? You saying you rigged the Olympic hockey game?

Smoking Man: What's the matter? Don't you believe in miracles?

Fourth Man In Black: The boss gave the Russian goal tender a little pre-game good luck pat on the back. Unseen novacaine needle on a bogus wedding ring. Goalie's a little slow on the stick side, 4-3 home team.

Smoking Man: Payback's a bitch, Ivan. Well, gentlemen, if that'll be all?

Fifth Man In Black: One thing internally, sir. That spooky kid, who talked his way into opening the X-Files. Feels like trouble.

Smoking Man: He's mine to keep an eye on.

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Smoking Man: Gorbachev has just resigned.

Fifth Man In Black: There's no more enemies.

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[The Smoking Man's writing mirror's his life]

Jack Colquitt, sat alone in his apartment at Christmas. He believed in sacrifice... Yet, some nights, he longed for a second chance...

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Deep Throat: You'll never believe what we got for Christmas. [A live EBE]

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Smoking Man: Occupant?

Deep Throat: Critical.

Smoking Man: Timing couldn't be worse. The Roswell story we concocted was gathering momentum. Had them all looking in the wrong direction. With luck we'll get away with it.

Deep Throat: No luck tonight.

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Smoking Man: How many historic events have only the two of us witnessed, Ronal? How often did we make or change history? And our names can never grace any pages of record. No monument will ever bear our image. And yet once again, the course of human history will be set by two unknown men standing in the shadows. [deep Throat offers the Smoking Man his gun] A living EBE could advance Bill Mulder's project by decades.

Deep Throat: Security council resolution 10.13 states; any country capturing such an entity is responsible for its immediate extermination. I'm the liar, you're the killer.

Smoking Man: Your lies have killed more men in a day than I have in a lifetime. I've never killed anybody.

Deep Throat: Maybe I'm not the liar.

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Deep Throat: Tonight we have a new enemy.

[The Lone Gunmen, publishers of The Magic Bullet newsletter]

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Smoking Man: This isn't the ending that I wrote. [To his first published story]

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Smoking Man: Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or an english toffee but they're gone too fast and taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits of hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. If you're desperate enough to eat those, all you got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers.

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Frohike: So far, this is based only on a story I read in one of my weekly subscriptions that rang a few bells.

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[The Smoking Man is looking at Frohike through the sight on his rifle]

Smoking Man: I can kill you whenever I please... but not today. [A direct quote from his novel Take A Chance: A Jack Colquitt Adventure by Raul Bloodworth]