3X20 Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space'

First Alien: Jack, what is that thing? [Lord Kimbo, a large hairy one-eyed alien, that moves like a Ray Harryhausen stop motion character]

Second Alien: How the hell should I know?

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[Scully compliments Jose Chung's on his books]

Jose Chung: And here I was thinking you were just some... brainy beauty. Now I find out that you also have... good taste.

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Scully: Just as long as you're attempting to record the truth...

Jose Chung: Dear god no! How could I possibly do that?

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Detective Manners: Are you willing to take a lie detector test to prove you were abducted by creatures from outer space.

Harold: Yes I am.

Detective Manners: Well too bad. Cause I don't need no lie detector to tell me the only thing you were abducted by were your rampaging hormones, you punk!

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Detective Manners: Well, thanks a lot! You really bleeped up this case!

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Scully: Well, of course he didn't actually say bleeped, he said —

Jose Chung: I'm familiar with Detective Manners' colourful... phrasiology.

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Mulder: You still going to hold the boy?

Detective Manners: Oh, you bet your blankety-blank bleep I am!

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Mulder: He said it happened before the abduction. Well, so what if they had sex?

Scully: So we know that it wasn't an alien that probed her.

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A long black car that looks like the batmobile screeches to a halt inside Roky Crickenson's garage and two men in black emerge]

First Man in Black: No other object has been misidentified as a flying saucer more often than the planet Venus.

Roky Crickenson: Really?

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Roky Crickenson: That was when I realised something was weird.

Scully: At which point?

Roky Crickenson: You see, normally if two strangers drive into my garage I tell then to get the hell off the property. But this time I didn't. It was like I was in a trance or something.

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Roky Crickenson: You can't threaten me.

First Man in Black: I just did.

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Scully: In short, Roky showed signs of what is known as a fantasy-prone personality.

Jose Chung: Agent Scully, you are so kind-hearted. He's a nut.

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Detective Manners: Hey, I just got a call from some crazy blankety-blank claiming he found a real live dead alien body.

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Blaine Faulkner: I hate this town. I hate people. I just want to be taken away to some place where I don't have to worry about... finding a job.

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Blaine Faulkner: ...the proper authorities showed up with a couple of men in black. One of them was disguised as a woman, but wasn't pulling it off. Like, her hair was red... but it was a little too red, you know. And the other one, the tall lanky one, his face was so blank and expressionless. He didn't seem human. I think he was a mandroid. The only time he reacted was when he saw the dead alien.

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[Mulder makes a strange high pitched whoop]

Detective Manners: Yeah, that's a bleeping dead alien body if I ever bleeping saw one.

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[Scully is performing an autopsy on the alien]

Scully: There appears to be two layers of epidermis. There's a metal strip that runs just under the top layer down... It's a zipper!

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Jose Chung: Aren't you nervous telling me all this after receiving all those death threats.

Blaine Faulkner: Well, hey, I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage.

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Lieutenant Schaeffer: You ever flown a flying saucer? Afterwards, sex seems trite.

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Mulder: Have you ever found a metal implant in your body? [Cook shakes his head] Have you checked everywhere?

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Jose Chung: Alex Trebek? The game show host?

Scully: Mulder didn't say that it was Alex Trebek. It was just someone that looked incredibly like him.

Jose Chung: Did he? I mean, you were there.

Scully: Well, not exactly. I don't have any recollection of this. I was surprised to wake up the next morning to find Mulder asleep in my room.

Jose Chung: Oh!

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Scully: But, Mulder... I don't even remember letting you in...

Mulder: I told you. You didn't let me in. They were already here.

Scully: [answering phone] Scully. We'll be right there. [to Mulder] That was Detective Manners. He said they just found your bleeping UFO.

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Mulder: And when presented in the wrong way, in the wrong context, the incidents and the people involved in them can appear foolish... if not downright psychotic.

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Jose Chung: Agent Mulder, this book will be written. But it can only benefit if you can explain something to me.

Mulder: What's that?

Jose Chung: What really happened to those kids on that night?

Mulder: How the hell should I know?

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Jose Chung: As for her partner... a ticking time bomb of insanity, his quest into the unknown has so warped his psyche one shudders to think how he receives any pleasures from life.

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Chrissy Georgio: Oh, it's you. What do you want?

Harold: I just wanted to tell you... I still love you.

Chrissy Georgio: Love... is that all you men think about?