1AEB07 Maximum Byers

[The Lone Gunmen have sedated an Elvis impersonator on Langly's suspicion that it is really Elvis Presley]

Langly: [on radio] Is it him? Is it really him?

Frohike: [on radio] We're running his prints now.

Langly: [on radio] Frohike, what's going on?

Frohike: [on radio] I hate to tell you this, bud. Ain't no way this is the King. [Byers holds up a handkerchief covered in pancake makeup, the unconscious man is black]

Langly: [on radio] How can you be sure?

Frohike: [on radio] You know, other people might have a reason to go on the lam as Elvis, other than the real Elvis.

Langly: [on radio] Then who the hell is he?

Frohike: [on radio] Thomas Eames. Wanted for wire fraud and embezzlement.

---

[The Lone Gunman article reads; Marshalls nab "Elvis" Embezzler]

Jimmy: I got to say, it might not have turned out like we'd hoped, but the King would have been proud.

Langly: Take that stupid thing off. [Jimmy is still wearing his Elvis wig]

Jimmy: I kind of like it.

Langly: You're rubbing my nose in defeat. Take it off.

Byers: Langly. We all thought we were on to something. On paper this man, Eames, looks like the real Elvis.

Frohike: Same birthday, same birth place, same height and blood type. It could have been him — hiding in plain sight, doing what he does best.

Langly: You know, call me crazy, but I'm starting to believe that maybe Elvis is really dead.

Frohike: [to Jimmy] Seriously, man. Take it off. [He goes to answer door] Can I help you?

Alberta Pfieffer: Melvin, it's Alberta Pfieffer.

Frohike: Do I know you?

Alberta Pfieffer: It's just like I pictured it. And there's Richard — Ringo. Though I wish you'd cut your hair. And you must be the new one — Jimmy. I love your smile. But John, your words have stirred my soul. So principled, so strong.

Langly: You're one of our readers.

Alberta Pfieffer: From the first issue, twelve years ago. Haven't missed one since. Which why I've come to you.

Jeremy Wash: As a last resort, believe me. Mrs Pfieffer's son, Douglas, is on death row in Texas, awaiting execution. I'm his attorney, Jeremy Wash.

Alberta Pfieffer: He stands convicted of murder. He's not guilty. I know every mother says that about her outlaw son, but in this case it's true.

Frohike: And you want us to prove it.

Alberta Pfieffer: I want you to talk to him, but that's asking a lot. Lately Douglas refuses to talk to anyone, even me. I can't get in. The only person he'll have a visit with is Jeremy here.

Jeremy Wash: We have several steps left in the appeals process, but Doug wants to streamline things. He won't say why, but he's pushing for an execution date. One could be set as early as next week.

Alberta Pfieffer: Eighteen months ago he pleaded not guilty. He fought his conviction tooth and nail. And now he says he wants to die and he won't explain it to anybody. There's some sort of conspiracy here, some sort of... I don't know want. But John, if anybody can figure it out, it's you four. [She leaves in tears with Jeremy Wash]

Jimmy: What are we going to do?

Frohike: Well, not a hell of a whole lot.

Jimmy: What?

Frohike: Hey, we can hack into the police record, we can read the trial transcripts. But we're not talking to Mr Pfieffer if he doesn't want to talk to us.

Jimmy: But guys, his mom. Come on.

Frohike: Jimmy, I'm not confident you're aware of this, but you can't just walk into a penitentiary.

Jimmy: The A Team did.

Langly: Oh god, here we go.

Jimmy: The A Team snuck into this prison, dressed up like inmates and then busted the guy out who was wrongfully accused. I mean, yeah, I know it's a TV show and all, but the theory is sound.

Langly: Jimmy, every half-baked TV series that runs out of ideas in the fourth or fifth season does their sneak into prison dressed as an inmate show. And what does that have to do with what we're talking about here?

Frohike: Not one of us would last ten seconds inside a prison.

Byers: Jefferson said; better one hundred guilty men go free, than one innocent man be condemned.

Jimmy: The Jeffersons. I think they did it on that show too.

Byers: I think... maybe... we could do it. I think it's worth a try. We defend the defenceless, I don't see any other way.

---

Frohike: We're running out of time. Can you get them in or not?

Langly: I can get them in. Ask me if I can get them out.

---

[Byers and Jimmy line up to get on the prison transport bus]

Chief Guard: Where did you all come from? [As he rechecks the computerised records, J Wesley and J Dillinger appear on the end] Wesley and Dillinger. Well Dillinger, you've got the right name for where you're going.

---

Jimmy: You okay?

Byers: Yeah.

Jimmy: It's not like on TV.

Wallace Atherton: Jiminy. Jiminy. Jiminy. Where'd you go? I've got you. Jiminy. You come back here, Jiminy Cricket.

Jimmy: Excuse me. Cell ten. Excuse me.

Byers: Jimmy.

Jimmy: That man next to you is trying to get his cricket back. It's right in front of your cell.

Byers: Jimmy, it's a cockroach.

Jimmy: Sir.

[Lowry kills the cockroach with his cigarette]

Byers: Jimmy. Don't lose sight of why we're here.

Jimmy: I know... Douglas Pfieffer. No innocent man should be in this place.

---

Langly: Ah, this is pointless. It's obviously gutted.

Frohike: How was I supposed to know it was out of business? We're here so let's check it out.

Langly: Ah, this is pointless. It's obviously gutted.

Shopkeeper: What are you doing there? [Langly and Frohike are trying to break into the boarded up Wally's Burgers]

Frohike: We're —

Langly: Well, we came for some burgers. But obviously, the restaurant's closed, so —

Shopkeeper: I'm calling the police.

Frohike: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a minute. We're investigative reporters. This place is the scene of a murder a couple of years ago.

Langly: The man who was convicted is on death row. We think he might be innocent.

Shopkeeper: The hell he is! Pfieffer, wasn't that his name?

Frohike: You're familiar with the case?

Shopkeeper: Oh yeah. I run the glass shop two doors down. Old Wally was a sweetheart. I guarantee you he gave that guy, Pfieffer, every dollar in the drawer without a peep. Bastard shot him anyway.

Langly: Still, how do you know it was Pfieffer?

Shopkeeper: Because I saw him. Thank god for Wally's silent alarm. Because we hear the cops coming and he runs off. But I saw his face, as plain as day. You take my word for it, Pfieffer is absolutely a murderer. And he killed a good man. You guys are barking up the wrong tree.

---

Byers: [to Lowry] There's a man in here named Douglas Pfieffer. Do you know where he is?

Trustee: Lowry ain't going to say jack, man. He don't talk.

Byers: He don't — he's doesn't?

Trustee: Yeah, sissy-arsed lisp. Sounds like a little bitch when he talks. Thound like thith. Don't you never mention it.

Byers: Wait. Douglas Pfieffer. Do you know where he is?

Trustee: Infirmary. Goon squad caught, kicked him good. Patch him up now so they can send him back to the death house.

Byers: Infirmary.

---

Yves: Byers and Jimmy on death row?

Langly: It's their idea. Jimmy's, sort of.

Frohike: Yeah, it's not like we're in love with it.

Yves: And here I thought Byers was the smart one. Did it even occur to any of you to pose as prison guards or attorneys or official visitors from the Governor's office?

Langly: That's not how they did it on The A Team.

Frohike: We need you to go in there, Yves. As a visitor.

Yves: Oh please.

Frohike: We need you to slip something to Byers so we can talk to him.

Yves: You can talk to him yourselves.

Langly: We tried that. We went in posing as Byers' brothers.

Frohike: Yeah, and the dumb brother there, got caught in the pat down with this. [A firewire card]

Langly: I forgot I had it on me. As soon as I mentioned the word firewire, they think it's like explosives or something, the Philistines.

Frohike: Needless to say, we're on the doo-doo list. Plus now they're going to keep an eye on anyone coming to see Byers.

Langly: But not Jimmy. Plus you got you're... you know... you're...

Frohike: Feminine wiles.

Langly: Yeah.

Frohike: As it were.

---

Jimmy: Can't you just fake an injury?

Byers: The doctors would know.

Jimmy: Well... then... can't you just fall down, or kick the bars really hard, or...?

Byers: If I injure myself, they may just send me for psychological counselling. Jimmy, I'll be the first to admit, this isn't the world's smartest plan. But I have to get into that infirmary. Any fight I get myself into, I'll make sure there's a guard nearby who can stop it.

Jimmy: Let me do it instead. No offence, Byers, but you're not the fighting type.

Byers: I won't have to be.

---

Jimmy: HE'S MY BITCH, LOWRY. MESS WITH HIM AND YOU'VE GOT TO GO THROUGH ME.

Byers: Okay. Thanks, Jimmy.

---

Byers: Tho, Lowry. Think it'll thnow.

Lowry: What?

Byers: I thaid; think it'll thnow. What'th your betht gueth?

Lowry: You laughing at me?

---

Byers: Thill mad?

Lowry: I'm going to mess you up good.

Byers: Tho thenthitive. Hey, here'th your chanthe. [Lowry beats the crap of of Byers]

---

Yves: Hey, baby. You got a kiss for your wife? How you holding up in here?

Jimmy: Well, you know, can't complain.

Yves: I miss you baby.

Jimmy: Yeah? Oh... yeah. I miss you too. 'Cause you're my wife and all. I mean, why wouldn't I miss my wife? God. I miss when we make love for hours and hours, and I miss your secret touch. I miss your... well of course I miss your —

Yves: Cheetos? How about I buy you some Cheetos? [She buys a pack from the vending machine and swaps them for a pack she brought with her] Sir, can you please give these to my husband?

Jimmy: So... how are the kids? Little Jimmy Jr and Peabo? Does Peabo still have that weird thing with his nose?

Yves: No, Peabo is well.

Jimmy: Thanks, baby. [The guard hands Jimmy the Cheetos] Oh, I think the puffy kind, not the crunchy. But, you know, whatever. Maybe I can trade it for something.

Yves: No. Honey, you keep those yourself. You keep those and you think of me.

Jimmy: [to guard] Hey, what are the chances of us getting a conjugal visit?

---

Byers: Douglas Pfieffer. I recognise you from your mugshots. The guards really worked you over, huh? Douglas, I'm here at the request of your mother. She says you've been wrongly convicted and that you're pressing for an execution date. To me that doesn't make sense. It sounds like you're doing it against your will. I'm an investigative reporter. I want to help you, if you'll let me. Your mother wanted me to know about your request to stop your appeals, about wanting to die. I know you love her very much, Douglas. I know you don't want to go out like this. You'll break her heart.

Douglas Pfieffer: If you ever say anything about this again, to me or anyone else, I'll cut your throat.

---

[Wallace Atherton sees Jimmy playing with the communication device in the Cheetos]

Jimmy: Toy surprise. [Wallace Atherton holds out his hand and shows Jimmy a cockroach] That's Jiminy, huh? I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but if the first one is Jiminy, how is it that that one is Jiminy too?

Wallace Atherton: Maybe it is the same Jiminy. Looks like him to me.

Jimmy: But the first one is dead.

Wallace Atherton: That's if you believe things really die. I don't. I think we just take a trip and come back. Maybe we learn something and move on, maybe we don't. Old Jiminy here, he don't learn a damn thing. Maybe next time.

Jimmy: Hey, Spike. What are you in for?

Wallace Atherton: Murder.

---

Yves: Have you contacted Jimmy?

Frohike: No, we were just about to do that when we got side-tracked.

Yves: Mark my words, if Texas doesn't execute him, I will. What's so interesting?

Frohike: Mr Pfieffer's finances.

Yves: 26 thousand in savings.

Langly: And yet he robs a two bit hamburger joint for 138 bucks in cash. Why bother?

Frohike: Unless it wasn't a robbery, just meant to look like one.

Yves: A contract killing?

Frohike: Mmm.

Yves: Who paid for it?

Langly: That's where it gets tricky. I backtraced the deposits through three separate shells to arrive at one; Brazos Holding?

Frohike: The same Brazos Holding that now owns the restaurant that Pfieffer robbed. They've been buying up most of that downtown area, which tells me that someone is making an old-fashioned Texas land grab and isn't above killing to do it.

Yves: So who is behind Brazos Holding?

Langly: Well, drum roll please. [He runs a personnel search script]

Frohike: Jeremy Wash. Pfieffer's lawyer.

---

Frohike: [on radio] Jimmy. Jimmy, are you receiving?

Jimmy: [on radio] Reading you loud and clear. This thing rocks.

Frohike: [on radio] Yeah, yeah. Now Yves said that you told her that Byers got into a fight.

Jimmy: [on radio] Yeah, but on purpose. Byers had to get into the infirmary where Pfieffer is, so that he could talk to him.

Langly: [on radio] Oh man. You've got to get word to him, Jimmy. He's barking up the wrong tree.

Frohike: [on radio] You two are trying to save the wrong man. Pfieffer is guilty. No matter what his mother says, he's a killer for hire.

Jimmy: [on radio] No. No way. Come on.

Langly: [on radio] It's true, Jimmy. And his own lawyer's behind it all.

Jimmy: [on radio] Mr Wash?

Langly: [on radio] Yeah, he's got plans for a big high-rise development. A key landowner wouldn't sell, so he paid Pfieffer to have him murdered.

Jimmy: [on radio] Wait... So why would Wash want us talking to Pfieffer?

Frohike: [on radio] I'm sure he doesn't, but he's got to go through the motions. He's supposed to be defending his client, right?

Langly: [on radio] I'm sure he never dreamed we'd actually get you guys in there.

Frohike: [on radio] Now, here's the thing, man. Pfieffer may not be innocent, but there's a guy in there who is. A prisoner by the name of Wallace Crendell Atherton.

Jimmy: [on radio] Yeah.

Frohike: [on radio] We think Wash framed Atherton for the murder of another shopkeeper who wouldn't sell. A mechanic by the name of Michael Culey.

Langly: [on radio] But Atherton is innocent.

Jimmy: [on radio] Which cell's he in? [Officer Tollin is walking behind Jimmy]

Wallace Atherton: Tollin. Your shadow's in my house. Get your shadow out of my house.

Officer Tollin: Shut the hell up, Atherton. Go play with your bugs. [Officer Tollin continues on his rounds]

Jimmy: Thanks. Wallace Crendell Atherton.

---

Douglas Pfieffer: Fellow. I'm healing up good. Tomorrow they'll put me on Death Watch and 36 hours after that...

Byers: It doesn't have to bee that way, Mr Pfieffer. My friends and I want to help you.

Douglas Pfieffer: Why?

Byers: Like I said before, your mother told us all about you.

Douglas Pfieffer: Yeah... I'd do anything for my mom, you're right about that.

Byers: Mr Pfieffer, about the murder you were convicted of...

Douglas Pfieffer: I still got nothing to say.

---

Langly: This Atherton guy was at the wrong place, at the wrong time, that's for sure. And Wash destroyed any piece of evidence that might prove his innocence. We got squat they'll save him.

Frohike: Byers has to get a confession out of Pfieffer, it's the only way.

Langly: That's Yves. [There is a knock at the door]

Frohike: What I want to know, what does Wash have over Pfieffer, that Pfieffer won't rat him out? [Frohike opens the door on Jeremy Wash] Mr Wash. Langly, Wash is here.

Jeremy Wash: Have you learned anything?

Langly: Learned anything? No.

Frohike: We're sorry.

Jeremy Wash: Where are your two friends?

Langly: He's out, getting his bread trimmed. The one with the bread, and then the other one is helping him. [There is an insistent knocking at the door that Langly and Frohike ignore]

Jeremy Wash: Aren't you going to get that?

Frohike: What? Oh, the door. Yeah, sure, why not. [He lets a furious Yves in]

Yves: You know how you owed me before? Now you really, really owe me. I'm taking these clothes off and burning them.

Jeremy Wash: Hi. I'm Jeremy Wash. Sorry to interrupt, you were saying... They owe you...?

Frohike: Oh, I owe her. She's agreed to marry me. I mean, can you believe it?

Jeremy Wash: Well, no.

Frohike: Yeah, we're going to Vegas tonight. Give us a kiss, Sweet Cheeks.

Yves: Of course, Toad Boy. [She kisses him on the forehead]

Jeremy Wash: Well, happy nuptials. I just wanted you to know that Doug's execution is going forward the day after tomorrow. I have to break the news to Mrs Pfieffer, unless you can offer us any hope. [They shake their heads] Well, thanks for your efforts.

Langly: Yeah. Yeah, you bet. [Jeremy Wash leaves]

Frohike: Toad Boy.

Yves: Sweet Cheeks.

Langly: So, what did you get?

Yves: I convinced this lonely credit union manager to let me peruse through his stone age, non-computerised files. Wash has been making deposits to Mrs Pfieffer's account ever since her son's conviction.

Langly: Explains why Pfieffer won't talk.

Frohike: Yeah, he gets the death penalty whether he rats out Wash or not.

Yves: Wash can help his mother or harm her. If Pfieffer goes quietly she'll be taken care of.

Langly: And meanwhile, this Atherton guy...

Frohike: Yeah, an innocent man. He's going to die.

Langly: We can't let this happen. We've got to get the proof on this lawyer, Wash.

Frohike: The key is Pfieffer. Jimmy's got to get a message to Byers.

[Jeremy Wash has been listening at the door since he left]

---

Jimmy: His name is John. He's in the infirmary. You'll get it to him?

Trustee: Yeah, sure.

Wallace Atherton: You sure you can trust him?

Jimmy: I got to trust people, 'til they prove to me I can't. Spike.

Wallace Atherton: Mmm-hmm.

Jimmy: What if somebody knew you were innocent? 'Cause you are innocent, right?

Wallace Atherton: You, me and god know it.

Jimmy: Right. Let's say this somebody, and his friends, find a way to prove it and get you out.

Wallace Atherton: That ain't going happen.

Jimmy: But what would you do? I mean, if you were a free man.

Wallace Atherton: Well, Sir. First, I would shake the hands of the man that set me free and thank him with all of my heart. Never again would I squander... a moment of precious time on earth that god have given us. And I would devote myself to realising... my lifelong dream.

Jimmy: And what's that dream?

Wallace Atherton: Caring for those that can't care for themselves. To end the mistreatment of the most mistreated of all god's creatures.

Jimmy: You mean the poor?

Wallace Atherton: I mean cockroaches.

Jimmy: Cockroaches?

---

Frohike: [on radio] Well?

Jimmy: [on radio] Nothing. Gave the guy the note, like, six hours ago.

Frohike: [on radio] What guy?

Jimmy: [on radio] The trustee. He promised he'd give it to Byers.

Langly: [on radio] Oh yeah. Like that's going to work. Now, we've got less than eight hours before Pfieffer gets transferred out of there.

Frohike: [on radio] Eight hours and we'll never talk to him again.

Jimmy: [on radio] I'm sorry guys. What are we going to do?

Frohike: [on radio] We're going to save your butt. Later.

---

Douglas Pfieffer: [to Doctor] So, how am I looking there Doc? Healthy enough to kill? [The Doctor leaves]

Byers: Please, Mr Pfieffer. You're running out of time. They're about to transfer you out of here.

Trustee: Prisoner. Got any smokes? [He's holding Jimmy's note]

Byers: No.

Trustee: Take it anyway. [He leaves]

Officer Tollin: Pfieffer, it's time to go. [He's brought Pfieffer his prison clothes]

Douglas Pfieffer: Not through talking. [Officer Tollin leaves]

[Byers reads the note]

He's guilty. The lawyer is, too. He needs to confess to save an innocent man. Sorry, John.

Byers: You did it.

Douglas Pfieffer: Yeah, I did it. I;m not who my mom thinks I am.

Byers: No, but you could still be. Tell the truth. Tell the truth, before it's too late.

[Lowry attacks Douglas Pfieffer and tackles him to the ground. Byers belts Lowry in the head with a bedpan]

---

Sergeant Runselhoff: Inmate 9990962.

Jimmy: Yeah, I think so.

Officer Tollin: Hands. [Jimmy hold his hands up to be handcuffed for transport]

Sergeant Runselhoff: There was a problem with your transfer order. I think you and I both know what it was.

Officer Tollin: Open number seven. [Jimmy's cell door is buzzed open] Step out.

Jimmy: Sergeant Runselhoff, that man [Wallace Atherton] is innocent. He's not a murderer.

Sergeant Runselhoff: Go on.

Jimmy: He didn't do it. Don't make me leave without my friends.

Sergeant Runselhoff: Son, this isn't the place for you. You should have spoken up a long time ago. Officers, sign for the prisoner. [Frohike and Langly escort Jimmy away]

Jimmy: What did you tell them?

Frohike: Computers told them. Not us.

Langly: You were sent to the wrong prison. You're a peeping tom, not a killer.

Jimmy: A peeping tom? What about Byers?

Byers: Right here, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Pfieffer? [Byers shakes his head]

Frohike: Let's go home, boys.

---

Jeremy Wash: Sergeant, I've been waiting 40 minutes and I feel like you people have been giving me the run around. Did something happen to my client?

Sergeant Runselhoff: Yes, Sir. An inmate attacked him in the infirmary.

Jeremy Wash: Oh god. He's... he's not...?

Sergeant Runselhoff: Dead! Oh no, Sir. He's fine.

Jeremy Wash: Good. So the transfer's going to proceed?

Sergeant Runselhoff: Your client's not being transferred anywhere. Not yet.

Jeremy Wash: What are you talking about? [Douglas Pfieffer is brought in] Doug.

Douglas Pfieffer: You're fired.

Sergeant Runselhoff: Mr Pfieffer just implicated you in the murders if Wally Spinelli and Michael Culey.

Douglas Pfieffer: You sent Lowry after me. Couldn't wait another 36 hours for me to die. Son of a bitch.

Sergeant Runselhoff: There's a couple of gentlemen here, who are going to want to talk to you. Rangers.

---

[The Lone Gunman headlines]

Lying Lawyer Convicted
Death Row Inmate Freed. State Awards Multimillion Dollar Settlement
Wallace Atherton sets up his Roach Rescue Clinic
Pfieffer Execution Set For Midnight

---

[Byers tries to talk to Alberta Pfieffer after her son's execution, she slaps him]

Jimmy: I know how you feel. But I got to figure it's like Spike and his cockroaches.

Byers: Jimmy.

Jimmy: Maybe we don't so much die, as learn something and then move on.