1AEB04 Three Men and a Smoking Diaper

Producer: [on radio] Stop with the fluff. Get to the damn allegations.

Field Reporter: Senator, your opponent claims that you're trying to bury the facts about the accident and the truth about your relationship with the victim, Ms Bonavaut.

Senator Jefferson: Let me say emphatically; those are lies, meant to capitalise politically on a real tragedy.

Field Reporter: Cut the crap, Senator. Wasn't Ms Bonavaut's accident really just a way to keep her quiet about your torrid little affair? [He's picking up static on his radio]

Producer: [on radio] Who told him to say that?

Senator Jefferson: Well, that's a rather bizarre bit of phraseology and really I shouldn't dignify it with a response.

Langly: [on radio] Isn't it well-known among your staff that you and Mrs Bonavaut liked to play hide the salami?

Field Reporter: Isn't it well-known amongst your staff that you and Ms Bonavaut liked to play hide the salami?

Jacques Busfield: Okay, that's uncalled for. Senator —

Senator Jefferson: You know, I certainly hope my momma's not listening, 'cause I know how it upsets her to hear these vicious rumours.

Producer: [on radio] Where'd he get those questions?

Technician: [on radio] I think he's just making them up.

Producer: [on radio] He's too stupid to make them up.

Field Reporter: Senator Skirt-Chaser — [More radio static] Senator Skirt-Chaser?

Frohike: Don't get cute, Langly. [on radio] Byers, higher with the balloon. Our transmission's cutting out.

Producer: [on radio] Wait a second, who's that guy?

Technician: [on radio] What guy?

Producer: [on radio] That guy with the silver balloon.

Technician: [on radio] I don't know.

Producer: [on radio] I don't know how, but he's hijacked our transmission.

---

Producer: Hey, you! I'm talking to you. What's your business here?

Jimmy: Me? I'm with 60 Minutes.

Producer: No you're not. Who's your boss?

Jimmy: Geraldo Rivera.

---

Frohike: Hey, Langly.

Langly: [on radio] Come clean, Senator, how did you do it? Slit her brake lines? Have her run off the road? [The van door opens] Come on, Senator, how many bimbos do you have to ice to bury the truth? Being that you've buried more pipe than Exxon in Alaska. [He turns around] Shut the damn door, I'm on a roll. [The producer and two officers are standing at the door of the van]

Frohike: Pay no attention to that man.

---

[The police van stops at the Police Impound Yard]

Moustachioed Officer: Next stop, ladies wear.

Frohike: Walk on by, brother. Let it go.

Moustachioed Officer: Enchanté, mademoiselle.

Langly: You got a problem, Officer? You got a problem with the hair, man?

Frohike: Langly.

Langly: No, no. I just spent nine hours in jail defending my honour, I think I deserve a little respect from the man in blue here. An apology for my friend and I, for suffering insults, humiliation and time in the slammer, to see that justice is done. You know what the difference between you and me is? It ain't the hair and it ain't the doughnut duster over your big, fat piehole... the difference between you and me is that —

Frohike: Langly.

Moustachioed Officer: The difference between you and me is, I got a gun.

Frohike: Come on. [The Moustachioed Officer gets back in his van and leaves] Okay, man, we got four days to the election, four days to make sure the Senator is exposed for what he is, before he can put the fix in for good. We are not going to get that story rotting in the hoosecow.

[Byers and Jimmy arrive]

Jimmy: Hey, are you guys all right?

Langly: Yeah, no thanks to you.

Jimmy: I tried to warn you.

Frohike: Oh save it, Jimmy. It was a long cold night in the pokey and some guy named Horice tried to make me his Afghan.

Jimmy: Oh man, do I feel terrible.

Frohike: Not the dog, Jimmy, the blanket.

Byers: What Jimmy's trying to say is: it was all for nothing. Senator Jefferson's ratings didn't go down after the interview, they went up. The whole thing was seen as an ambush, a political stunt.

Langly: What's wrong with people? Doesn't anyone care that a woman's dead? That a US Senator had her bumped off? The man's getting away with murder.

Byers: Unfortunately he may be, unless we can get proof that he did it.

Frohike: Proof? Jefferson's a player. A notorious wrecking machine, a married man that carries on like a sex-crazed teenager. And now he's gone Chappaquidick on us.

Langly: I say we run with the story. Run it now, verify facts later.

Byers: Langly, what about journalistic integrity? We cannot print rumours.

Frohike: Yeah, and what if it backfires again? These people put the right spin on this story and Jefferson could go to the White House.

Jimmy: I'd vote for him. Hey, he seems like a great guy.

Frohike: Come here, Jimmy. I want to feel your forehead. [He kicks Jimmy in the shin]

Jimmy: What did you do that for?

Frohike: I owed it to the world.

Byers: We're wasting time here.

Langly: He's right, let's get moving. [Frohike, Byers and Langly get into their van]

Jimmy: What do you guys want me to do?

Frohike: Just clean the windshield, Gomer Pyle, and then get out of the way.

[Jimmy starts to wipe the windshield when Byers yells]

Byers: Stop!

Jimmy: What did I do now?

Byers: You may have just preserved a valuable piece of information. [Written in the dirt on the windshield is: RX 843 767 019]

Frohike: RX. Is that a prescription number?

Langly: There's one way to find out. [He runs a search on the computers in the van] Gentlemen, it looks like we may have ourselves a Deep Throat.

Jimmy: Whoa, guys.

Byers: Someone's left us a clue on the woman who died in the accident.

Jimmy: You mean, on the windshield? That's her prescription number? What would a dead woman need a prescription for?

---

[Frohike and Langly are at the Wohlgemuth Memorial Medical Centre to check their prescription records]

Frohike: There's no one here. Maybe we can just sweep in, get the Bonabo file, then Bob's your uncle.

Stern Nurse: Can I help you gentlemen?

Langly: Yeah. Yeah, my friend here's really ill. He's got a bad stomach ache.

Stern Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Frohike: Oh, it hurts all over.

Stern Nurse: Then you need a specialist.

Langly: No. It's an emergency.

Stern Nurse: Doctor can't treat what Doctor can't see. I'm going to send you for a lower GI.

Langly: No. No, No, we know what's wrong. He's got... gas. Terrible explosive gas.

Doctor: Nurse, could you come back here?

Stern Nurse: Excuse me. [She leaves them]

Frohike: Gas. Couldn't you choose something more dignified.

Langly: Like what?

Frohike: Like... I don't know what. But how am I supposed to fake a gas attack.

Langly: How am I supposed to sneak in there and get those files?

Stern Nurse: The doctor will see you now.

---

Jimmy: What exactly is this stuff?

Byers: Forensic adhesive. I borrowed it from a friend at the FBI. Used it to pull the prints off whomever wrote on our windshield. You're going to use it to find a match.

Jimmy: And all I have to do is walk in and shake hands with people?

Byers: Someone on the Senator's team may be our informant. We find out who, we may be able to persuade them to tell us how he killed the girl. You're our eyes and ears, Jimmy.

---

Jimmy: [on radio] Jimmy Bond, in the house. [to Brenda Sally] Hi. I'm here to volunteer my services to the campaign. James Bond. [He offers his hand] Call me Jimmy.

Brenda Sally: Do you have any campaign experience, Jimmy?

Jimmy: Campaign experience? No.

Brenda Sally: Any special skills to volunteer?

Jimmy: Special skills? Well, I can count to twenty in Mexican.

Brenda Sally: Great. Why don't you try over with the Senator's opponent, Jimmy?

Jimmy: No wait. Can I just say what an honour it is to be here. Just to be in the presence of such dedicated Americans as Senator Jefferson and yourself. And can I just say thank you. Thank you for keeping the dream alive. [He offers his hand again]

Brenda Sally: Here. [She slaps a bundle of envelopes in Jimmy's out stretched hand] Lick some envelopes.

---

Brenda Sally: In here. Hurry up.

Jacques Busfield: What is it?

Brenda Sally: I've been calling the apartment for two hours, Jacques. No answer.

Jacques Busfield: What do mean no answer?

Brenda Sally: Nobody's home. The sitter's gone.

Jacques Busfield: Would you calm down. Maybe she just took him out for a stroll.

Brenda Sally: I can't it. I'd kill myself if anything happened to him.

Jacques Busfield: What if she's out blabbing her mouth to whoever's perusing the Senator's dead girlfriend? In that case, we're dead too.

Brenda Sally: We're going to hell for this.

Jacques Busfield: We have bigger problems than, Brenda. Someone's trying to sink us. We have three days see that they don't.

Brenda Sally: Three days. In three days the Senator could impregnate the entire league of women voters.

Jacques Busfield: You going to quit? Or are you going to help me keep his pants up and help me get him elected. Now, come on.

---

Langly: All clear, your Gassiness.

Frohike: The things I do for a story. Are you sure this is her place?

Langly: Doctor wrote Barbara Bonabo a tranquilliser prescription. This was the address she used.

Frohike: You know what this is? This is the Senator's love nest.

[The only occupant of the apartment is a baby]

---

Byers: He was left alone?

Jimmy: All by himself?

Frohike: That's what alone means.

Langly: He wasn't left alone for long.

Byers: How would you know that?

Langly: I put my nose to his diaper.

Jimmy: And you think it's the Senator's?

Frohike: It's the Senator's love shack. He was afraid his little chicky was going to squeal, so he fed her the pills and took her for a drive. Of course, it's his.

Jimmy: But the Senator's a married man. What would his wife think?

Langly: THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT. [The baby starts crying]

Byers: Langly!

Langly: Hey, what do I know about kids?

Frohike: Maybe it's just hungry. Somebody get it a cheeseburger.

Jimmy: If it gets out, that this is the Senator's baby, he's going to lose the election.

Frohike: Exactly. We could do DNA testing.

Langly: That'd take more than 48 hours.

Byers: I've got a hunch one of Jefferson's people may be willing to talk. Jimmy was able to eavesdrop on Jefferson's campaign managers, the woman was upset — angry at the Senator — maybe about the kid.

Langly: Of course, it makes perfect sense. She was angry at his behaviour, but she was unable to go public, so she left a clue on our windshield.

Frohike: Jimmy, you got to go back in there, man. Get her to dish the dirt. We get proof this is Jefferson's love-child, he's going down.

Langly: And our circulation's going up.

Jimmy: I thought all you guy's were looking for was the truth. But you're out to ruin the Senator.

Byers: Our job isn't to judge. It's to get the news and report it. Let the chips fall where they may.

Jimmy: Yeah, if you say so. Who's going to watch the kid?

---

[The Senator is passed out under the shower]

Jacques Busfield: He fell like a wet sack of crap.

Jimmy: What happened to him?

Brenda Sally: He's got a condition.

Jimmy: I bet those ladies out there are going to be so disappointed.

Brenda Sally: And that's just it, Jimmy.

Jacques Busfield: Those women drove seven hours to present the Senator this award. Their support is critical to the election. He's got to accept it.

Jimmy: Shouldn't we call a doctor?

Brenda Sally and Jacques Busfield: No.

Jimmy: I don't know. He doesn't seem in any shape to be in public.

Byers: [on radio] Jimmy, do it. Do what they say. It's our chance to expose him.

Jimmy: Senator? Senator Jefferson?

Brenda Sally: If you can just get him on his feet, he usually comes around. [Jimmy hauls Senator Jefferson to his feet] Senator?

Jacques Busfield: Senator?

Senator Jefferson: Man the lifeboats.

Brenda Sally: You've got the Women's Auxiliary here, Senator, they're waiting.

Jacques Busfield: They just just want to hear a word from you.

Brenda Sally: Let's get you some dry clothes. Okay. [She and Jacques Busfield drag Senator Jefferson out of the bathroom]

Senator Jefferson: I believe I've got to urinate.

---

Langly: Thank god she's here. [He lets Yves in]

Yves: Langly, is that a baby crying?

Langly: No, that's a baby about to drive us into a tower with guns.

Frohike: [to William Jefferson] Come on, how bad can it be? Want to see a funny face?

Yves: And you boys wonder what the problem is.

Frohike: I'm in no mood for your usual sarcasm, Yves. Just show us where the volume control is.

Yves: You must be joking.

Langly: We tried everything.

Frohike: [to William Jefferson] It's okay. It's okay.

Langly: We fed him, we changed him. I even read him bedtime stories about the Fibs illegal collection of internet surveillance data.

Frohike: This kid refuses to negotiate.

Yves: Even you're not that stupid, Frohike. He won't quit crying until you give him what he wants.

Frohike: Free the prisoners.

Yves: I'm dealing with schoolboys. [She takes William Jefferson from Frohike] Oh, look at you. You're a bright boy. Yes, you are. [William Jefferson stops crying]

Langly: I don't believe it. That's it? That's all it took?

Frohike: Sticking a finger in it's mouth?

Yves: Did it ever occur to you that your little Prince might be teething?

Langly: Well, when we found him, he didn't come with an instruction manual.

Yves: You found him?

Langly: No. No, of course not. That's just a figure of speech. We didn't find him... he's Frohike's.

Yves: Melvin.

Frohike: Hey, you know, you tomcat around long enough, you're bound to wind up with a litter or two. [to William Jefferson] Come to Papa, big boy.

---

Jacques Busfield: Jimmy! Good work today, I know the Senator really appreciates it. [He offers his hand to Jimmy, but Jimmy drops an envelope and misses the opportunity]

Jimmy: Oh. Hey, thanks.

Jacques Busfield: No, it's okay, Jimmy. Hey, listen, there's something I want to discuss with you, if I may. What you saw today in the bathroom, the Senator's... condition. Understand we don't discuss it. There's really nothing to discuss.

Byers: [on radio] Discuss it with him, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Not that it's any of my business, but this condition — if we were to discuss it — what exactly would we be discussing?

Jacques Busfield: I don't know how to put this. The Senator's on a medication for his angina.

Jimmy: His what?

Jacques Busfield: The Senator has a little angina.

Jimmy: Oh, come on.

Jacques Busfield: I know, I know, he seems like such a big strong man, but it's true and it's not important, as long as he keep doing the job well. Now this is between just us. [He leaves]

Jimmy: I'll get to the bottom of this.

---

Jimmy: We need to have a little talk.

Brenda Sally: About?

Jimmy: Oh, I think you know. And you're pretty darn upset about it too.

Brenda Sally: What are you talking about?

Jimmy: Oh, come on. What kind of fool do you take me for? The Senator may be a big strong man, but you and I know what his condition is. Look, you and I both know, the Senator doesn't have an angina. But that's not the big secret. [He mimes rocking a baby] I think you're just looking for someone to tell, aren't you? Whenever you're ready, I'm your man. [He walks away as Jacques Busfield arrives]

Jacques Busfield: Brenda?

Brenda Sally: He knows, Jock. About everything.

Jacques Busfield: Well, looks like we'll just have to take care of it. Just like we did with the Senator's little girlfriend.

---

[Jimmy is called into a clandestine meeting in the bathroom]

Brenda Sally: Hi, Jimmy. How are you?

Jimmy: Fine. How are you doing?

Brenda Sally: Great. Just great. In fact, things are looking so good that Jacques and I think we no longer need you here as a volunteer, Jimmy.

Jimmy: What are you saying?

Brenda Sally: What I'm saying is that Senator Jefferson looks like he's got this one in the bag, and he wants to bring you on his team full time, Jimmy.

Jimmy: No. Seriously?

Jacques Busfield: And as a show of faith, we'd like to give you a little bonus. [He hands Jimmy a cheque]

Brenda Sally: To just say thanks.

Jimmy: I know what this is.

Jacques Busfield: Just a little something.

Jimmy: Yeah, like the job offer. Keep me quite about the Senator. You know, I've always believed that the Senator was a great man. When that train jumped the tracks, and all those school kids were hurt — he was there, with the families, crying. And when he got up there to Washington and poured his heart out, about making sure that the needy weren't forgotten — he changed peoples' minds, 'cause he cared. But, I guess, maybe there's another side to the story, one that I keep wishing weren't true. See, I want the believe that the Senator's a great man, but not because somebody's paying me to.

---

Frohike: Will you lay off the buzzer. I just got the kid to sleep.

Yves: Melvin. I'm so impressed. I rally thought you'd be all thumbs at this fatherhood business. You do know it's quite a turn-on when a man show himself so capable.

Frohike: Really?

Yves: Maybe I'll have to re-evaluate you.

Langly: Okay, who's finger's responsible for the electroshock treatment?

Frohike: Hey, show some respect. The lady's here out of concern for the child. A lot more than I can say for you, Ichabod Crane.

Langly: Oh yeah, if you're so concerned, why don't you check out the throttle on your little Urban Cowbaby?

Yves: Urban Cowbaby? Have you both gone insane? You could be thrown in jail.

[The Urban Cowbaby is a mechanised contraption that rocks a child car seat, while alternately offering the child a bottle, a dummy or toast]

Frohike: Working, isn't it?

Langly: Yeah, if you're trying to make a milkshake in the kid's stomach.

Yves: Melvin, you should be ashamed. [She turns the gadget off]

Frohike: How are we supposed to get any work done? How are we supposed to publish our paper and root out graft, corruption and corporate greed for our loyal readers if we're changing poopy diapers?

Yves: A man who even has to ask that question, is hardly a man at all.

---

Jimmy: Did you hear all that?

Byers: They were bribing you.

Jimmy: Yeah, can you believe it?

Byers: Jimmy, this is great news.

Jimmy: Well, I'm glad you think so.

Byers: They were buying you silence, it's completely illegal.

Jimmy: Like they think I can be bought.

Byers: Where's the cheque, Jimmy?

Jimmy: Where is it? I tore it up.

Byers: You tore it up.

Jimmy: Into little itty bitty pieces and then I scattered it all over that no good Brenda's desk to let her know who they're dealing with.

Byers: For god's sake, that was our evidence you destroyed, Jimmy.

Jimmy: You said you needed fingerprints.

Langly: How's it going, guys?

Byers: We're doomed.

Langly: What do you mean we're doomed?

Byers: We've got 36 hours 'til the election and we've got nothing. No evidence, no story, nothing to prove the Senator did anything wrong.

Langly: What happened to Deep Throat, the turncoat, this Linda Tripp?

Byers: If she ever wanted to talk, I'd say that opportunity is long gone.

Jimmy: You want evidence, I'll get you evidence. I'll get you the story.

---

Byers: What are you doing?

Jimmy: Bringing you your evidence. [He has a garbage bag full of empty coffee cups] Fingerprints. On the cups.

Langly: It's too late.

Byers: Maybe not.

[Frohike and Yves arrive with William Jefferson, as Byers runs a fingerprint comparison in the van]

Yves: Leave it to you bumbling fools to ruin a beautiful opportunity.

Frohike: She knows everything.

Yves: You let this man get away with fathering an illegitimate child? And keeping it a secret from the voters over there? Shame on you.

Langly: Just cool your jets, Yves.

Byers: Hey! I think we've found our Deep Throat.

---

Brenda Sally: Oh my god. Oh. Oh, I was so worried that something terrible had happened to him. Something awful.

Jimmy: The little guy's fine, Brenda. [Brenda Sally punches Jimmy in the face]

Brenda Sally: You. I ought to kick your butt from here to the Potomac.

Jimmy: For what?

Brenda Sally: For lying to me. For playing the big, dumb, stupid lunkhead.

Jimmy: I wasn't playing anything.

Brenda Sally: Oh no. The Senator's a great man, the Senator's this, the Senator's that. And then you go and kidnap his baby and bring him here so you can humiliate him.

Jimmy: That's what you wanted.

Brenda Sally: Me? To ruin the Senator?

Byers: A clue left on our windshield led us to the kid. We pulled a fingerprint off of it, which matched up perfectly with this.

Langly: Grande vanilla 2% no-whip caramel latte, Babe.

Brenda Sally: I had a regular cappuccino.

Frohike: That's not your cup?

Brenda Sally: No.

Yves: And not her fingerprints either.

Jimmy: Then, whose cup is it?

---

Senator Jefferson: I've got voters out there waiting. Now what's this all about?

Brenda Sally: About you being ruined, Senator.

Senator Jefferson: Ruined? By who? These people?

Byers: We're reporters, Senator, from a paper called The Lone Gunman. We've been working on an exposé.

Senator Jefferson: An exposé? About who? Not me?

Langly: About your drunken behaviour and your reckless carousing and the death of one of your campaign workers.

Senator Jefferson: Those are rumours. You can tell him, Jacques.

Brenda Sally: Jacques already told them. It's how they know the truth, Senator.

Senator Jefferson: Jacques? Not Jacques, Jacques' by boy.

Brenda Sally: Your loyal campaign manager, over there, is a back stabbing traitor. Why don't you just admit it to him, Jacques?

Byers: Look, we know about your affair, Senator, with Barbara Bonavaut. The clue left on our car led us to a doctor who wrote prescriptions for the tranquillisers in her system the night of her accident.

Senator Jefferson: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What doctor? What tranquilliser? You talk like I know any of this.

Jacques Busfield: The reason you don't any, is because I took care of it for you. Like I take care of everything. All the mess, all your dirty secrets.

Senator Jefferson: You killed Barbara Bonavaut, Jacques?

Jacques Busfield: No, I didn't kill her. We just wanted to keep her quiet... make her disappear until after the election. But she took some pills and took a drive. She was distraught. She was in love with you. But then they're all in love with you.

Senator Jefferson: Whatever my behaviour, or my affairs, this was wrong, Jacques.

Jacques Busfield: Apparently not, Senator, somehow I always turn it into a victory, don't I? Well, not this time.

Brenda Sally: No. Jacques hates you so much, he put the story right under their nose. Anonymously. Like a coward.

Jacques Busfield: I got a career ahead of me, unlike the Senator here.

Brenda Sally: Even if they write the story, it won't come out until after the election, Senator.

Frohike: There's only one little problem.

Senator Jefferson: It's mine? I'm the father?

Jacques Busfield: Jefferson's the man.

Senator Jefferson: Well, this is unforeseen. I do apologise, Brenda. I'm sorry, I've let you down. You too, Jacques. I don't blame you for hating me.

Brenda Sally: Where are you going, Senator?

Senator Jefferson: I'm going to save these boys some trouble. I'm going to tell the people out there the truth — myself.

Jimmy: Senator, I'm still voting for you.

Senator Jefferson: Thank you, Jimmy.

---

Field Reporter: [on television] I'm here at Senator Jefferson's campaign headquarters, where yesterday voters rallied excitedly, expecting a landslide victory. But those rally cries turned to deafening silence this morning, after a tearful by the Senator, telling the voters about a secret affair and a beloved child with a former campaign worker.

Jimmy: I can't listen to this.

Byers: You play with fire, Jimmy, you're going to get burned.

Yves: At least he was man enough to go out there and admit the truth.

Jimmy: Well, he's still a great man.

Yves: But not a great father.

Langly: [to William Jefferson] You got a problem with the hair, man.

Frohike: He thinks you're his mother.

Langly: Bug off, Frohike, we're spending quality time here.

Frohike: Hey, it's my turn to hold him.

Langly: Get the door.

Frohike: [checking security monitor] What's he doing here? [He opens the door]

Senator Jefferson: I wasn't sure I had the right address. Anyway, may I come in? So, this is the conscience of America, huh?

Byers: We only mean to report the truth.

Senator Jefferson: Well, it's a good thing... and inspiring. Wouldn't it be great if we could all be more like you?

Jimmy: That's what you came here to tell us?

Senator Jefferson: No, Jimmy, no... I came for something else.

Langly: The kid?

Yves: Langly... [Langly reluctantly hands over William Jefferson]

Senator Jefferson: Well, hello, Son. Goodness, you don't even have a name, do you? You know what I believe I'm going to call you — William. How about that? William Jefferson.

Jimmy: That's a great name.

[Frohike answers the door to Brenda Sally]

Brenda Sally: What can I say? He's a good man. I just came to pick up some baby stuff for the Senator. Excuse me. [She walks over near the muted television] Everybody, come here.

Byers: What is it?

Field Reporter: [on television] First election results in showing Senator Jefferson not out of this race by any means.