1AEB02 Eine Kleine Frohike

Frohike: Son of a... [He's tossing files on the floor]

Byers: Frohike... we've got a deadline here. I need your column ten minutes ago

Frohike: I need the file on the Warren Commission in order to finish it.

Langly: Try looking under W.

Frohike: Oh, you moron. [He finds the file] He files the Warren Commission under T —

The Warren Commission.

Langly: Ah, cut the guy some slack.

Frohike: Oh, and look... here's

The Teapot Dome Scandal,

The Grassy Knoll. I say we fire his ass.

Langly: You've just got to know how to handle him. Keep it simple. Like, I asked him to clean my keyboard. [He holds the keyboard up and water pours onto the floor] Byers.

Byers: You're both forgetting it's his life savings keeping us in print.

Frohike: I don't care, he's a menace.

Byers: He believes in our mission. He's got a good heart. And... he's so happy to be here. If we let him go it will crush him.

Jimmy: Crush who? [He enters the office] Who's going to get crushed?

Byers: Jimmy... We've been talking. We're not sure this is the right place for you.

Jimmy: What, are you kidding? Working with guys like you, it's a dream.

Byers: Jimmy...

Jimmy: I've been looking my whole life for something like this. To feel like I make a difference, to work with men of integrity, to fight to make this a better country. You three, you're heroes. I am so proud to be a part of this team. Just talking about it... look at that, goosebumps.

Frohike: You are so fired.

Byers: Frohike.

Frohike: Byers. I'll buy us a dancing monkey, I'll teach it how to file, we'll give you your money back, just get out of here.

Jimmy: I get it. I get what you're trying to say. Old Yellow. In Old Yellow, the kid yells at the dog to make him leave. He loves that dog, he doesn't want him to go. Guys, don't feel weird about taking my money, it's my honour. We're going to keep the dream alive. [He goes to answer the door]

Langly: In Old Yellow, the kid shoots the dog because he's rabid.

Frohike: Thanks for the idea.

Jimmy: [answering door] Can I help you?

Michael Wilhelm: I am looking for this man. [He holds up a copy of The Lone Gunman, folded to show Frohike's by-line] He writes for the newspaper.

Jimmy: Uh huh.

Michael Wilhelm: Him. [He points to Frohike] He is the only one who can help me catch a killer.

---

Michael Wilhelm: This is the last known photo of Madame Davõs. She disappeared shortly after it was taken.

Byers: The Poisoner of Alsace.

Jimmy: I don't mean to sound stupid, but should I know who that is?

Frohike: Check the files under T for The Poisoner. [Jimmy goes to check, missing Frohike's sarcasm, Byers stops him]

Byers: She murdered 20 members of the French Resistance during World War II.

Langly: She served pastry iced with arsenic. She's a known Nazi collaborator.

Jimmy: Nazis. I hate those guys.

Frohike: So why come to me?

Michael Wilhelm: Last month this personal advertisement appeared in several newspapers in Europe. It's from a woman looking for her long lost son.

Mòre à la recherche de son fils blen-almé perdu il y a 55 ans
AVIS DE RECERCHE
En l'an 1945, vers la fin de la deuxiéme guerre mondiale, un enfant de sexe masculin âgé tout au plus de neuf mous et né au village de Verzenay, Alsace, fût envoyé par sa mère à Berlin. Si vous croyez ètre cette personne ou la connaìtre, veuillez communiquer le plus vite possible avec se mère:
Anna Haag,
Elwood, New Jersey
(609) 555-1304

Byers: A Mrs Anna Haag of Elwood, New Jersey.

Michael Wilhelm: The OSS believed that Madame Davõs bore a child out of wedlock to a German officer, that she sent her infant son to Berlin with the retreating army. It's likely, that the child ended up an orphan of war.

Byers: You're thinking that the Poisoner of Alsace placed this ad, that she's alive somewhere looking for her lost child.

Langly: Well, how do you know that this Mrs Haag is this Davõs lady?

Michael Wilhelm: The advertisement mentions Verzenay, the village where the poisoner lived. The dates are correct. In my heart, gentlemen, I know it is her.

Frohike: I still don't get what this has to do with me.

Michael Wilhelm: The child's father was this man. [He shows them a photograph that bears a striking similarity to Frohike]

Jimmy: Wow.

Byers: You're thinking that Frohike could pass himself off as the long lost son?

Michael Wilhelm: And bring the Poisoner of Alsace to justice.

Frohike: Whoa, whoa. First things first. I look nothing like this man. I'm better looking for one thing.

Michael Wilhelm: When I saw your face, I had such hope. You see, I am named after my father, Michael Wilhelm, the prefect of Verzenay. He was also a Resistance leader. He was poisoned the day the Allies marched in. I am staying at the Belmont. Please call me if you change you mind. [He leaves]

Frohike: Seriously, it would never work.

Byers: Well why not? We've pulled off far more difficult undercover ops.

Frohike: I don't care how old she is, that lady is dangerous.

Langly: Well, you've never been afraid before. What's the hell's the problem?

Frohike: Oh for god's sake. I... I just... I just can't pass for a 56 year old man.

---

Jimmy: Check it out. [A blond haired, blue eyed Frohike enters the room]

Frohike: Man, oh man. You three ever stop to think that I don't speak French or German?

Byers: You're an orphan of war.

Langly: Say you were raised in America.

Frohike: Okay. So what if she plays along a poisons me?

Byers: That's why we'll be monitoring your vitals remotely.

Frohike: Oh great, so you'll have ten seconds notice before I croak.

Langly: You won't even be in there long enough to do lunch. Just ID the woman and hightail it out of there.

Frohike: And how am I supposed to prove that she's the poisoner?

Langly: I've been waiting for you to ask me that. I ran a little search on the Davõs family. Seems they all share one interesting physical trait.

Byers: A birthmark. Shaped, ironically, like Germany.

Frohike: A birthmark. So what?

Byers: It appears to be...

Jimmy: On her butt.

Frohike: Uh uh. No freaking way.

Byers: It seems to be the only means of making a positive identification.

Frohike: The whole family has it, huh? [He tosses a marker to Byers]

Langly: What are you doing?

Frohike: Covering my ass. You're going to give me birthmark too. Prepare to get mooned.

---

Langly: [on radio] Hold your position. And don't be a wuss, you're the master race, remember.

Byers: Relax, Frohike. Your heart rate's rising rapidly.

Frohike: Well yours would be too if you were facing certain death.. or some withered old keester. I don't know which is worst.

---

Louella Everage: Have you got a girl in there?

Byers: Pardon me?

[Louella Everage forces the van door open further and points at Langly's back]

Louella Everage: You do have a girl in there. Now look, you can just park in front of my house and play slap and tickle all day.

Byers: I assure you, we're neither slapping nor tickling.

Louella Everage: Then what are you doing?

Byers: Well... We are...

Louella Everage: Is that Mrs Haag's house? [She spots a monitor] Oh, my lord. You're spying on Mrs Haag.

Byers: No, we're not spying... per say. We're surveilling.

Langly: Surveilling her maid.

Louella Everage: Her maid? Mrs Allsop? Well, whatever for?

Langly: INS, ma'am. We have reason to believe she's... not... American.

Louella Everage: Well, of course, she's not American, she's from France.

Byers: This is a federal matter ma'am. I'll have to ask you not to reveal our presence here.

Langly: Or you'll go to jail too. Along with the other old bags. [He slams the van door closed]

---

Langly: We got comm.

Frohike: [on radio] Yeah, without any help from you two.

Byers: Frohike, where are you?

Frohike: Oh, I'm in my keen new bedroom. She insists I stay the night.

Langly: Well, that's not the plan. Go take a look at her caboose and let's get the hell out of here.

Frohike: It's not that easy. My eyesight's only just now coming back after seeing the maid's.

Anna Haag: Dolph. What are you doing? Who were you talking to?

Frohike: I was... I was... I was just saying my prayers. Thanking the lord above, that we found each other.

Anna Haag: These belonged to my second husband, they should fit you, he was a tiny man too.

Frohike: Oh jeez, thanks Mom." [Anna Haag tries to take Frohike's clothes] No. No no no, don't.

Anna Haag: These need to be laundered.

Frohike: No they don't. I was going to wear them tomorrow.

Anna Haag: Is that how you were brought up, to be filthy? Go to sleep.

---

Anna Haag: Dolph. What are you doing? [Frohike is ferreting through the laundry in search of his radio]

Frohike: I just need my clothes. No offence, Mom, but these don't do it for me. [He is wearing lederhosen]

Anna Haag: What? They fit perfectly. Come, for you, something special. Come. Come, come. Follow me.

---

Frohike: No thanks, Mom. I'm not hungry. [The pastry is ornately iced with a fleur de lis motif]

Anna Haag: You've have not eaten a thing since you got here. This is made special, just for you. Eat. I'll make some juice.

Frohike: Mmm. This is delicious, Ma. [He pretends to eat the pastry, but drops it in the bin when Anna Haag is at the sink. He finds his radio in the bin, where Mrs Allsop left it]

Anna Haag: Good.

---

Frohike: [on radio] Guys, guys, do you read me? [He waves from a window]

Byers: Frohike?

Langly: Damn, man. Where's your tuba? You look like the little dude in one of those cookoo clocks.

Frohike: How about I pop out of my little house and ring your bell?

Byers: What is going on in there?

Frohike: That whacked out broad just tried to poison me, that's what. She gave me one of those pastries.

Langly: It's evidence. Get it to us so we can have it analysed.

---

[Yves breaks into Lone Gunmen headquarters and is accessing a computer when she hears music. Jimmy slides into view wearing a shirt and underpants, attempting a Risky Business impression. He turns around and spots Yves]

Jimmy: Whoa. [He bolts, turns off the music and returns hastily pulling on pants] Wait a minute, what are you doing here? I know who you are. You're that lady, whose name is the same backwards as it is forwards.

Yves: No it's not. Yves Adele Harlow is an anagram, not a palindrome.

Jimmy: Yeah, exactly. Backwards it's Lee Harvey Oswald.

Yves: No. Backwards it's nothing, backwards... Why am I even talking to you? [She saves a disk and gets up to leave] By all means, continue dancing.

Jimmy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, exactly. Backwards it's Lee Harvey Oswald.

Yves: This? You're not going to try and take it from me are you? [She slips it down the front of her shirt] Smart boy.

Jimmy: Whoa. But you're not going anywhere either. Not until I know what's going on.

Yves: Is that even possible, for you to know what's going on? Fine. Your three stooges, they're investigating a woman named Madame Davõs.

Jimmy: Maybe. Maybe not.

Yves: They are. And as usual, they're in way over their heads.

Jimmy: Oh yeah, and why's that?

Yves: What do you know about the man that brought them the story?

Jimmy: He's some poor old French guy, named Michael Wilhelm. Yeah, he's named after his father, who's the pre... pre-something of some French village... Versh, Version... anyway, he was poisoned to death.

Yves: Michael Wilhelm, the Prefect of Verzenay, was indeed murdered by the Poisoner of Alsace, only he died childless.

Jimmy: So... who was the guy that was here?

---

[Anna Haag is applying an ice pack to Frohike's ankle. He hurt it while jogging with her]

Anna Haag: I pushed too hard. My fault.

Frohike: Yeah, whatever. I'll live. Hopefully.

Anna Haag: You must live. Now that we found each other, we must both make up for the time we missed. When I lost you in the War... all those years ago... all those years. The world was hard on little things then, it robbed me... it robbed me of my treasure. But today, I have my treasure back. Now, you must eat something, I am very worried about you.

Frohike: What say we order a pizza?

Anna Haag: Good, I'll go call.

Byers: [on radio] Frohike, has she left the room?

Frohike: Yeah, she's gone.

Byers: Think you can make it into the kitchen? We still need that pastry she gave you as evidence.

Frohike: I'll try. But, I don't know guys, I'm beginning to have second thoughts about this.

Langly: What do you mean?

Frohike: I mean, did you hear what she said to me just now? She actually sounded like had a heart, not like some rabid Nazi murderer. I don't know, maybe I'm trying to see the wrong old lady's butt.

---

[Frohike is watching a distraught Anna Haag talk to the policemen]

Frohike: She's putting on quite a show.

Langly: That's cold, man. That's how your hardcore Nazis work.

Frohike: I've seen enough. I'm going to go talk to the cops and tell them this was no heart attack.

Byers: Don't. We still need proof.

Frohike: What do you need, Byers, a signed confession? She is the Poisoner of Alsace, that death collar was meant for me. I'm out of here.

Byers: I just got off the phone with Michael Wilhelm. He's says if you leave now, it will only arouse her suspicion, she might try to slip out of the country.

Langly: We could lose her forever.

Byers: I'm sorry, Frohike.

Langly: You still got to glimpse the ham.

---

Jimmy: All right. I told you where to find him, now tell me who he is.

Yves: You've heard of STASI, the East German secret police. Not good guys. God knows how many defectors they've tortured and killed. I believe this man who now calls himself Michael Wilhelm gave them their orders. He's a cold blooded murderer. There's a sizeable bounty out for his arrest, provided I can prove that it is indeed him. [A bellhop is headed their way] Turn and hide me. [Jimmy tries to kiss her, but she stops him when the bellhop moves away] That's enough.

Jimmy: So yeah. What does any of this have to do with the Lone Gunmen investigating Madame Davõs?

Yves: Have you seen Mr Wilhelm's left buttock?

Jimmy: Baby, I don't swing that way. Especially not with old guys. Wait a minute, so you're saying he's her son. That doesn't make any sense. Why wouldn't he just go to her himself?

Yves: Because he knows there's a bounty on his head. Why not sent three stalking horses to find out whether or not it's a trap?

Jimmy: We need to tell the guys. If what you're saying is true...

Yves: Then they're right where they should be, keeping an eye on that woman. You're my lookout. Think you can handle that?

Jimmy: Please.

---

Frohike: [on radio] T minus ten and counting.

Langly: Copy that, eagle, and may god have mercy on your soul. Camera ready?

Frohike: Camera is ready. I'm about to breach the inner sanctum. One small step for man.

Langly: One giant moon for mankind.

[Frohike sneaks into the bathroom to try and get photographic evidence of the birthmark, but slips on the tiles]

Anna Haag: What are you doing?

Frohike: I didn't know you were here. I'm dirty, very, very dirty.

---

Anna Haag: Is that too hot for you?

Frohike: It's fine. Could I get a little privacy here?

Anna Haag: I've never seen a grown man so shy about his body.

Frohike: Well, I'm embarrassed... about my birthmark.

Anna Haag: Birthmark?

Frohike: Yeah, you know, on my backside.

Anna Haag: We are all as god made us.

Frohike: I guess. Anyway, maybe they run in the family, huh? Whoa, what are you doing there? [Anna Haag is scrubbing Frohike's back with a loofah, he grabs it off her and sees some of the marker has stained it] I can take it from here, Mom.

Anna Haag: So we shampoo your hair instead. Now, here we go. [She passes Frohike the shampoo]

Frohike: That's not my brand of shampoo. I use the high dollar stuff, you know, it's got to have sheep placenta. Sorry.

Anna Haag: Don't talk silly. And take off that wig. So you've got a toupée, so what. [She removes her own hair piece] I love you just the way you are, always. [Frohike takes his wig off] Oh, my sweet little boy.

---

Byers: What are you doing here? Jimmy, why did you bring her here?

Yves: You've been set up. You've got to get Frohike out of that house.

Langly: Not you again? Why don't you find your own Nazi to hunt down?

Jimmy: Guys, listen. The guy we thought was the son of the guy that died, wasn't the son of the guy at all, he was the son of the lady that killed the guy.

Langly: You're not going to start talking about Old Yellow again, are you there, Jimmy?

Yves: The real son of the Poisoner of Alsace is on his way here now. He means to retrieve his mother and feel the country, leaving no witnesses behind.

Langly: The real son. And who's that?

Yves: The man who put you on this case.

Byers: Michael Wilhelm. You're saying Wilhelm is Mrs Haag's son?

Yves: No, not your Mrs Haag. I overheard Wilhelm saying; Die Dummköpfe spionieren auf der falschen Frau aus — The fools are spying on the wrong woman.

Byers: What does that mean, the wrong woman?

Yves: Someone close to Mrs Haag. Someone who used her as a decoy.

Langly: A decoy, for what?

Byers: To allow her to find her long lost son, without exposing her true identity. It's the neighbour, Mrs Everage. She's Madame Davõs.

Langly: Come on. That nice old lady? I mean, sure, I called her a bat and everything, but, you know, she caught me peeing in the hedges just now, she didn't even yell at me or anything. She even gave me these muffins. Ah. Poisoned. Got you. [He collapses]

---

Frohike: What the hell's the matter with you?

Jimmy: I'm trying to give you a message.

Frohike: What message?

Jimmy: Mrs Haag... she's not the one.

Anna Haag: Who is that man? And what's this? [She holds out the camera Frohike dropped in the bathroom, as Jimmy's drainpipe perch outside the window collapses]

Frohike: We need to talk.

---

Louella Everage: [answering door] Yes, can I help you?

Frohike: Mr Wilhelm. [to Louella Everage] This man is a friend of mine, Mrs Everage. [He takes Jimmy into another room, Louella Everage is listening at the door] There's no doubt about it, it's Mrs Haag. She's the Poisoner of Alsace.

Michael Wilhelm: How do you know?

Frohike: She killed my friend, the crazy old bat, poisoned him. And I think she's on to me. She knows I'm not her son and she'll try to poison me next. [There is a scream from the lounge]

Anna Haag: She's dead.

Frohike: You killed her. You Nazi. I'm going to call the police.

Michael Wilhelm: Thank you. For a job well done. [He's pulled a gun on Frohike] You are Madame Davõs, are you not? That is your true identity? I am your son.

Louella Everage: Wait. Ich bin ihre Mutter. [I am your mother.] I met this woman through an Alsatian friendship society. I was looking for someone whose story matched mine. Someone who was from the same village, who'd also lost a son.

Frohike: What? She's crazy too.

Louella Everage: I encouraged her to seek her child, so I could find you.

Michael Wilhelm: There is a way to prove this, a family trait.

Louella Everage: Ah. [She turns and drops her skirt]

Frohike: By god it is shaped like Germany.

Michael Wilhelm: You are the Poisoner of Alsace. [He removes a bridge] Then, your ass is grass, lady. [He starts peeling off his mask] Man, you were so fooled.

Anna Haag: That pastry you gave me, you said it was specially for him. You poisoned my maid. I trusted you. You're a liar.

Louella Everage: I'm not the only one.

---

Frohike: Listen, I'm sorry tried to see your butt. I had to do it, I mean, I had to lie to you. But I'm sorry you got hurt. And I'm sorry you haven't found your son yet.

Anna Haag: I did find him, for a day or so.

---

Jimmy: There he is, the man himself, Secret Agent Man. We make one heck of a team, huh. [He holds his arms out]

Frohike: We don't hug.

Byers: I spoke to the FBI. Yves is already filing for the million dollar bounty on Michael Wilhelm.

Langly: Utterly typical.

Frohike: No surprise there. She's only ever out for herself.

Jimmy: Then why'd she still around after she'd knocked out Wilhelm? And do this cool makeup job? [He's still picking bits of mask off] Ow! She did save our butts. Maybe she's not the person you think she is.

Frohike: You could still be fired.